Family and friends of divorcing people will share all the dirty tricks they know. Some of these dirty tricks tell you how to use the children as little weapons, which will hurt the children. You don't want to do this, but the tactics are deceptively easy and tempting. Awareness of what is wrong with these tactics is the first step in avoiding them. If there is danger to the kids from the other parent, real danger because of violence, or danger of serious neglect as a result of an addiction to a mind-altering substance, then keep the kids away from the other parent unless they are under active supervision or have proved that they have resolved the problem. But for the 90% of parents where violence towards the children or extreme and dangerous neglect is not an issue, the following principals apply.
Think it through, do you REALLY want your children to be supporting you? To be a weapon for you? To spy on their parents for each other? Or to try to be peacemaker between the two most important adults in their lives? Is this what you envisioned when you became a parent?
I know you did not envision raising them in a broken home. I KNOW that you had your own vision of how to raise them and your spouse (or ex) is ruining thas visions. I know what a fool your ex has been. But none of this justifies being anything other than a parent with them.
We see it happening in movies, mothers who say, “you’re the man of the house, now”, as if somehow the eldest son is expected to fill Dad's shoes, raise the little ones, bring home the bacon. The eldest does not understand the difference and is looking for Mom's cues. If Mom says, "now you're Dad", this is very confusing and upsetting to the kids. Or, “Mommy (or Daddy) left us”, which is rarely true. They left you, not the kids. And often if they have not seen the kids, it's because you and the kids are a package deal that they know will not help. Or Dads who tell the kids, “tell Mom to buy your school clothes. I can’t afford to even buy my own clothes because of child support.” Or we see parents on TV arguing in front of the kids during the exchange of the children. And it all seems so normal.
To some extent, it is normal. There was likely arguing before the split, so this is simply a continuation, arguing whenever you see each other because now you so rarely see each other. You need to fit the nastiness into that very limited amount of time that you are together, and usually the time you're together is when you're with the kids because you're split. There is no more alone time for the arguments. It feels so natural. Arguing about them or in front of them feels normal as a marriage is breaking up. But as soon as you can, stop it. It hurts the kids. Make some groundrules to prevent this. You follow the rules even if your ex does not!
To some extent, it is normal. There was likely arguing before the split, so this is simply a continuation, arguing whenever you see each other because now you so rarely see each other. You need to fit the nastiness into that very limited amount of time that you are together, and usually the time you're together is when you're with the kids because you're split. There is no more alone time for the arguments. It feels so natural. Arguing about them or in front of them feels normal as a marriage is breaking up. But as soon as you can, stop it. It hurts the kids. Make some groundrules to prevent this. You follow the rules even if your ex does not!
1. Do not talk to your coparent about the kids in an angry way, in front of the kids: Speak about the kids only when the kids are not in earshot of either of you… meaning they’re at school or activities… even a kid who is glued to his Nintendo will pry himself from it to eavesdrop when he knows that HE is the topic of conversation on the phone in the kitchen!
2. Find a reliable way of communicating: Try passing most notes either in a notebook in their backpack (when they are too young to read it all), or via e-mail. Remember, kids snoop if they think it's about themselves
3. Beware of texts: Try not to text because texts tend to be so short that they’re easily misunderstood. At this point, where you’re breaking up, that short message style makes things worse if it sounds like you’re ordering the other parent to do something rather than asking or suggesting, as you must do now. E-mails are perfect if you check your e-mail account frequently, read the things, and hit the “send” button only after thinking it through and editing it.
Witnessing angry communication between the parents can scar kids forever. If they already saw enough while you were together, stop letting them witness it now. Put it in writing. But be careful. Just as you do not want to see nude photos of yourself on the internet, you do not want embarrassingly nasty things there either. That e-mail that you dashed off and sent at 2 am will be judged in the cool light of day by a judge deciding whether you are being unreasonable. So think twice before hitting “send”.
4. Do not let your children believe that they are "rejected". I know your ex is a jerk. There is a reason that you are separate now. But you picked that person as a co-parent. Maybe you even did it repeatedly. There was a time in your life when you were willing to cooperate with them and felt it was in the best interests of the kids to spend time with that person. Their commitment to the children has not changed. Only their commitment to you. It hurts, but their separation with you says nothing about their feelings towards the kids. IF THEY WITHDREW FROM FAMILY EVENTS BEFORE THE SEPARATION, THAT WAS MORE ABOUT STOPPING THE UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS THAN ABOUT REJECTING THE KIDS. The person who was rejected was you, not the children!!! As much as that hurts, try to understand it and hold the children away from your anger about the rejection.
Do not tell anyone that the other parent does not care about the kids. They care in a different way than when they lived under the same roof as you, but they still care and you are not a good judge of whether that care is good enough. If you privately feel that they are not caring enough, do not let the kids hear it. Kids don't need to hear from you that you predict the other parent will be late to pick them up for parenting time. When you say it, it implies that they don't love the children enough. Do not ever let the children feel that the other parent's bad habits about being timely or reliable are a reflection of rejecting the children.
Do not tell anyone that the other parent does not care about the kids. They care in a different way than when they lived under the same roof as you, but they still care and you are not a good judge of whether that care is good enough. If you privately feel that they are not caring enough, do not let the kids hear it. Kids don't need to hear from you that you predict the other parent will be late to pick them up for parenting time. When you say it, it implies that they don't love the children enough. Do not ever let the children feel that the other parent's bad habits about being timely or reliable are a reflection of rejecting the children.
5. Enforce parenting time. Do not withhold the kids from the other parent for any reason. Do not allow the kids to think they can ditch parenting time any more than you'd let them ditch school or church or time with their grandparents. Parenting time is neither a reward nor a punishment. It is not dependent upon you receiving money for it (a bribe), or planning exciting activities for the kids that you were informed about. Parenting time is the kid's right and the parent's right, so do not interfere. Oh, and you are not the police force who can force the other parent to follow through, you can only control your behavior and your children's. No allowing the children to be lazy or fussy or simply think they can gain your favor by telling you that they don't want to go to the otehr parent's house, telling you that you are their favorite parent (tell them not to play favorites in some circumstances, such as parents don't have a "favorite" child, they should not have a "favorite" parent), or letting them pitch a fit to avoid spending time with the other parent. Unless you have enough evidence of abuse or neglect to get CPS involved, the child needs to see the other parent.
6. No controlling what the other parent does: You no longer have the right to control the other parent's actions with the kids. You can only insist on whatever is in the parenting plan. If the football team practices are important to you for the kid, make sure it's in the divorce decree so that the other parent is required to tke the child to the football practices during their parenting time. If raising the children as vegetarians is important to you, write it into the decree before your ex changes thier mind and decides to start being a meat lover. Assuming this stuff is not in the decree, understand that you will not be allowed to sign the kids up for extracurricular activities that take place during your ex's parenting time unless the ex agrees to take them to the activity. You cannot force the ex to pay for activities you have scheduled for the kids. You cannot insist that the ex take them to a certain place or avoid other places.
I have seen exes who are trying to control each other, find themselves thwarted by all kinds of nastiness. Hair cutting, changing grooming choices, failing to follow a certain diet or extracurricular program are common ways of seeking revenge against a parent who is trying to control the other parent. I even know more than one parent who tried to take kids to "therapy" behind the other parent's back (it usually backfires, read on) in an effort to get the kid to disobey the other parent (not telling the therapist the whole story and being able to get away to a certain extent because the other parent has been circumvented in this effort). If the therapist is any good, they'll not allow this because they will not accept therapy of a kid in joint legal custody without both parents' consent.
7. No false or exaggerated criminal accusations: Do not make false or exaggerated accusations of violence to try to get more time with the kids. Using criminal accusations as a tactic in a custody battle is reprehensible and a clear sign of a form of child abuse known as "parental alienation".
8. No choosing sides, no bribery: Tell the child that the other parent does love them and that they are never required to choose sides. They are allowed to love you equally, but differently, just the way you love them equally, but respect their differences between each other. Every kid tries to play one parent against the other, and kids of separated parents get the opportunity to succeed at this game more often than kids of intact families. It is not good for them. To avoid this, do not try to one-up the other parent in terms of fun or gifts given.
There has been a recent study that children of divorced parents have less financial assistance with college than children of intact families. The realities of the finances in supporting two households is proposed as part of the reason for this phenomenon, but I wonder how much this other issue has to do with it... that the parents spend so much money during the children's childhood in trying to bribe the children away from the other parent, that there simply isn't enough money left to spend as much on college. "Did DAD get you a X Box for Christmas? No problem, I'll get you a Wii"... always doing bigger and better gifts than the kids would have gotten if the parents had still been together. From the same amount of income, the kids are getting two different Christmasses, two sets of summer vacations, and two sets of clothing, one for each house. Don't let this happen. Kids can be bribed, but it's not best for them. Be the parent, don't play the "who's your favorite?" game. Sometimes, the true parent has to be the bad one, the disciplinarian, the one who teaches that money doesn't grow on trees and self control is a virtue. That is not the fast ticket to being the favorite, but it will get your kid farther in the long run.
As separated co-parents, if you can avoid bribing the kids and teach the kids that they do not have to choose a favorite, then you are increasing your chances of ending up with more of a budget for the important things, like their education.
6. No controlling what the other parent does: You no longer have the right to control the other parent's actions with the kids. You can only insist on whatever is in the parenting plan. If the football team practices are important to you for the kid, make sure it's in the divorce decree so that the other parent is required to tke the child to the football practices during their parenting time. If raising the children as vegetarians is important to you, write it into the decree before your ex changes thier mind and decides to start being a meat lover. Assuming this stuff is not in the decree, understand that you will not be allowed to sign the kids up for extracurricular activities that take place during your ex's parenting time unless the ex agrees to take them to the activity. You cannot force the ex to pay for activities you have scheduled for the kids. You cannot insist that the ex take them to a certain place or avoid other places.
I have seen exes who are trying to control each other, find themselves thwarted by all kinds of nastiness. Hair cutting, changing grooming choices, failing to follow a certain diet or extracurricular program are common ways of seeking revenge against a parent who is trying to control the other parent. I even know more than one parent who tried to take kids to "therapy" behind the other parent's back (it usually backfires, read on) in an effort to get the kid to disobey the other parent (not telling the therapist the whole story and being able to get away to a certain extent because the other parent has been circumvented in this effort). If the therapist is any good, they'll not allow this because they will not accept therapy of a kid in joint legal custody without both parents' consent.
7. No false or exaggerated criminal accusations: Do not make false or exaggerated accusations of violence to try to get more time with the kids. Using criminal accusations as a tactic in a custody battle is reprehensible and a clear sign of a form of child abuse known as "parental alienation".
8. No choosing sides, no bribery: Tell the child that the other parent does love them and that they are never required to choose sides. They are allowed to love you equally, but differently, just the way you love them equally, but respect their differences between each other. Every kid tries to play one parent against the other, and kids of separated parents get the opportunity to succeed at this game more often than kids of intact families. It is not good for them. To avoid this, do not try to one-up the other parent in terms of fun or gifts given.
There has been a recent study that children of divorced parents have less financial assistance with college than children of intact families. The realities of the finances in supporting two households is proposed as part of the reason for this phenomenon, but I wonder how much this other issue has to do with it... that the parents spend so much money during the children's childhood in trying to bribe the children away from the other parent, that there simply isn't enough money left to spend as much on college. "Did DAD get you a X Box for Christmas? No problem, I'll get you a Wii"... always doing bigger and better gifts than the kids would have gotten if the parents had still been together. From the same amount of income, the kids are getting two different Christmasses, two sets of summer vacations, and two sets of clothing, one for each house. Don't let this happen. Kids can be bribed, but it's not best for them. Be the parent, don't play the "who's your favorite?" game. Sometimes, the true parent has to be the bad one, the disciplinarian, the one who teaches that money doesn't grow on trees and self control is a virtue. That is not the fast ticket to being the favorite, but it will get your kid farther in the long run.
As separated co-parents, if you can avoid bribing the kids and teach the kids that they do not have to choose a favorite, then you are increasing your chances of ending up with more of a budget for the important things, like their education.
9. It does not matter if the other parent violates the rules: Take the high road and follow these principals even if your ex does not. Do not be the parent who uses the kids as a tactic in the divorce, as a little ATM machine, as a way to seek revenge. Do not be the one who tells nasty stories about the ex or asks them to choose thier favorite. Be the parent whose house is a safe haven from the anger.
10. Gossip hurts: Be the parent who will not allow friends and family to vilify your child’s other parent. Be the parent who does not let your kids’ family become the subject of gossip about what a jerk the ex is (understand that if you "vent" to their schoolmates' parents, their schoolmates will hear about it and so will your kids. While "venting" may be popular as a psychologically good thing, it's not necessarily good to do it in a non-therapeutic environment). "Venting" to the neighbors, is commonly known as "gossip". Do not gossip about your kids' family. Don’t let anyone else think they know things about what goes on behind closed doors in your own children's house.
One parent I know who did not follow this advice ended up having the children's friends parents refusing to allow their children to visit this parent's children. Over time, the neighborhood and school parents realized what a nasty household these children were raised in, and wanted to keep their own children away from the nastiness in that family's household. This mother wanted to gain an advantage in the divorce and embarass her ex in front of thier frirends, and she ended up ruining her kids' social lives. Her revenge backfired. The kids are still working to recover.
10. Gossip hurts: Be the parent who will not allow friends and family to vilify your child’s other parent. Be the parent who does not let your kids’ family become the subject of gossip about what a jerk the ex is (understand that if you "vent" to their schoolmates' parents, their schoolmates will hear about it and so will your kids. While "venting" may be popular as a psychologically good thing, it's not necessarily good to do it in a non-therapeutic environment). "Venting" to the neighbors, is commonly known as "gossip". Do not gossip about your kids' family. Don’t let anyone else think they know things about what goes on behind closed doors in your own children's house.
One parent I know who did not follow this advice ended up having the children's friends parents refusing to allow their children to visit this parent's children. Over time, the neighborhood and school parents realized what a nasty household these children were raised in, and wanted to keep their own children away from the nastiness in that family's household. This mother wanted to gain an advantage in the divorce and embarass her ex in front of thier frirends, and she ended up ruining her kids' social lives. Her revenge backfired. The kids are still working to recover.
The results: I have a good friend and former client who followed my advice on this. It was not easy, her ex is one of the strangest people I know and their divorce was one of the most difficult ever. But she religiously never vilified the ex in front of her kids and did not allow others to do so either. Her ex tried every dirty trick in the book, including using the kids against her. She stuck with it, won custody, and moved on. Years later, her adult son approached her and asked why she never saw the bad in his father. She explained that she had seen it, but it was not appropriate for him to see it through her eyes, that his father had to develop the parent-child relationship without her interference, so she actively worked to encourage the relationship. She explained that the things that made his father difficult were not hereditary. This young man is about as well-adjusted as any I have ever seen, recently accepted into a prestigious graduate school program, and still maintaining whatever relationship he chooses to have with his father, without having to choose BETWEEN his father and his mother.
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