I am often asked, "what should I expect in a divorce?" The answer to that question depends upon the type of major issues that your divorce will involve. Very few people have none of these issues, and most people have more than one issue. Determining your issues will help you know what to expect.
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1. Children - parenting
For people who have children, questions about ongoing parenting can be the most difficult to answer. Expect to have to cooperate to some extent, to share your children's time (including birthdays and holidays, which can be difficult to negotiate) with the other parent, and to create a schedule. There will be issues of who has the final say on school issues, religion, health, and extracurricular activities. Most parents can get through the basics with the help of a professional, either a mediator or custody evaluator or negotiator. If both parents cannot cooperate on the bigger pieces of the parenting issue, then expect appointment of a professional to help with those decisions. If you cannot come to some agreements with the help of this professional, expect a very long, expensive and troublesome court battle.
2. Children - ongoing support
Once the decision of who gets the kids and when is made, then each parent will be expected to contribute to their financial support. Each parent will either provide housing, food, and time, or will provide money. In many cases, each parent provides a combination of all of the above. As for the money, every state has a formula for what is required. Most of the formulas require information about your income, the amount of time each parent spends with the child, any special needs that the child has, daycare costs, etc. With this information and the formula, there is little opportunity for variation. Most of the arguments on this part of the case involve arguments over your income, the other parent's income, the children's special needs, and whether other special issues should be accounted for, such as private school, transportation costs to visit a parent out of state, etc. Check with a lawyer in your state for the formula, and other child support related laws, for details.
3. Property, to include real estate, money, retirement accounts, debts and all the other STUFF
States are either "community property" states, where property accumulated during the marriage (not to include inheritances by one or the other), is split evenly, or they are "equitable distribution" states, where judges consider fairness and may order something other than a 50-50 split. Expect your biggest task at the outset will be to collect a complete list of all the property owned and debts owed. Get as much information as possible so your lawyer can do a complete job. Becoming your own best clerk will save lots of fees at this step. Everything needs to be split. If you cannot decide how to do it, the judge will. The judge's decisions will not always be what you hope for. Whoever gets the house will usually also take the debt associated with it (mortgage). Other debts are counted and split too. Considering whether each will be able to maintain the loans, and re-financing them into the separate spouses' names, will minimize ongoing arguments and expensive post-divorce litigation
4. Alimony or Spousal Maintenance
These days, most people are not entitled to permanent support. In general, TEMPORARY support may keep things stable while the divorce is being negotiated, PERMANENT support compensates a spouse who becomes permanently unable to be self-supporting by virtue of things that happened during the marriage. REHABILITATIVE support could provide a short term opportunity for the lower earning spouse to get an education or revive their career. The issues to be discussed, therefore, are whether one spouse earns significantly less than the other, whether the marriage caused the difference, whether the marriage's length or circumstances, or the decisions made during the marriage justify making one spouse responsible for supporting the other beyond the end of the marriage. In some states, you should also explore the lifestyle during marriage, who is caring for the children, or other issues. Check with a lawyer in your state to get specific factors relevant in your situation.
5. Other (infidelity, combining the issues, etc.)
Don’t forget to consider whether to change your name. This is one of the "etc." issues that some people forget about until months after the divorce is final, and at that point you need to pay an extra fee to make it happen. You are entitled to have it happen if you choose, but remember to get it done as part of your main divorce. Asking the clerk of court to re-open your case for this one little change is more expensive than necessary. They will not do it for free!
Remember that there are interplaying factors in any divorce. Although the law does not require a certain pattern, often the parent who stays in the house will be the parent who keeps primary control of the kids during the week unless the other parent moves into a large enough place to accomodate the children, close enough to make the trip to & from school relatively similar to the parent who remained in the house. If one parent has more time with the children, the other will likely be paying more in support. Although the law officially separates the issues, and the lawyers and judges can compartmentalize each separate issue, it is very difficult to split the issues in your own life. You are already splitting your entire life in two, your dreams, your hopes, your kids, your stuff, your future and your past.
You may be tempted to look for ways to bring in information about the fact that your ex cheated on you, or other things that are mostly about the reason for your divorce. In many instances, the motivations for divorce are entirely irrelevant to the issues in divorce. In other words, you may be angry over being cheated upon or being treated wrongly for years, but only rarely does infidelity have any relevance to issues of splitting the property, or alimony, or child custody. If you can learn to separate the issues to handle in the divorce from your motives for the divorce, the same way that the judge will separate them, then you may find it easier and faster to recover from the divorce. More importantly, separating your motive from your issues will help save money on handling irrelevant issues during your divorce. In keeping with the theme of this post, expect, if you insist on handling irrelevant issues and combining issues inappropriately during the divorce, that the judge and your lawyer will be frustrated, and the fees you spend will be more than you would if you were not focusing on these things. I have known people who spent thier entire life savings in looking for ways to make their spouses' infidelity relevant. They found a few ways to force the issue, embarass the ex, and after the fact, they regretted having spent so much money on the effort.
If you know these things and plan appropriately, hopefully you can come out of this without losing everything.
Remember that there are interplaying factors in any divorce. Although the law does not require a certain pattern, often the parent who stays in the house will be the parent who keeps primary control of the kids during the week unless the other parent moves into a large enough place to accomodate the children, close enough to make the trip to & from school relatively similar to the parent who remained in the house. If one parent has more time with the children, the other will likely be paying more in support. Although the law officially separates the issues, and the lawyers and judges can compartmentalize each separate issue, it is very difficult to split the issues in your own life. You are already splitting your entire life in two, your dreams, your hopes, your kids, your stuff, your future and your past.
You may be tempted to look for ways to bring in information about the fact that your ex cheated on you, or other things that are mostly about the reason for your divorce. In many instances, the motivations for divorce are entirely irrelevant to the issues in divorce. In other words, you may be angry over being cheated upon or being treated wrongly for years, but only rarely does infidelity have any relevance to issues of splitting the property, or alimony, or child custody. If you can learn to separate the issues to handle in the divorce from your motives for the divorce, the same way that the judge will separate them, then you may find it easier and faster to recover from the divorce. More importantly, separating your motive from your issues will help save money on handling irrelevant issues during your divorce. In keeping with the theme of this post, expect, if you insist on handling irrelevant issues and combining issues inappropriately during the divorce, that the judge and your lawyer will be frustrated, and the fees you spend will be more than you would if you were not focusing on these things. I have known people who spent thier entire life savings in looking for ways to make their spouses' infidelity relevant. They found a few ways to force the issue, embarass the ex, and after the fact, they regretted having spent so much money on the effort.
If you know these things and plan appropriately, hopefully you can come out of this without losing everything.
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