When the relationship was good, you developed a private shorthand, via talking, text and e-mail. Over time, it broke down and you now have misunderstandings and disagreements and anger. You may have clammed up or you may have been louder, you may have avoided being together just to avoid arguing and unpleasantness. You may have spent energy pretending that everything was all right. Separating often solves this. I know a group of divorcees who call it the "no contact rule". If you can manage "no contact" it works well for a separating couple. Each can forget their angry self and resolve their internal issues that created the problem, get some distance and move on.
Unfortunately, if you have children, you cannot completely sever communication. You MUST find a way to communicate, and you cannot allow your children to feel the anger between you and interpret it as being cuased by themselves. You need to understand that it does not matter how often you say, "this is not your fault, honey", if the argument is over child support, the kids know that an argument that would not have taken place if they had not been there.
Do not kid yourself into believing that the kids never heard you because you were on the phone, in another room, they were asleep or glued to a video game, etc. Kids are curious, especially if it's about themselves or their family that is breaking up. They eavesdrop. Please also understand that they will misunderstand most of what they hear, and will fill in the blanks in very bad ways. Their world is falling apart and they have no control or knowledge. It does not help to try to tell them everything. Being totally open about the damaging things that happen to you during a divorce damages them. And no child should ever be exposed to details of thier parents' intimate life, which will become an issue even if you do not think it was part of the problem. The other parent might have, and it is not fair for you to "tell all" about your side of things if you expect the other side to keep the kids from knowing their own take on things. For you to "tell all" from your perspective invites the other side to tell all, also. And if you were not in the midst of the anger, you'd realize that "telling all" is really bad for the kids. It would be one of those bazillion things you do as a parent, that you recognize is a mistake only years later. Even if you disagree and think your kids are special enough to handle it and your kids need to know this stuff, at this moment, you are not a good judge of which parts of the angry times is something they can handle and understand. The only solution is to keep the information entirely out of thier hands ot the biggest exent possible.
Don't think that if you get together with family and friends for "venting" and "support", outside of the house, that it will not get back to them. It will. Your parents will not be as careful as you are about not talking in front of them. Ditto for your friends. Worse, your neighbors and the kids' friends' parents will talk and thier own kids will hear about it and will report it to your kids, not usually in a nice way. It will get back to your kids eventually.
Don't fight in front of them (be careful about this, as the only time you see each other any more is when the kids are there), don't leave the divorce paperwork in any place where they can find and read it. Share with the kids on a "need to know" basis. And define what they need to know, to a very narrow class of things. They need to know where they'll be spending the night on any given day. They need to know who will help with the homework and where they're eating dinner. They need to know that both parents love them. They need to know that they're loved enough that both parents will show up at their special events, and that both parents care enough not to do evil things at public events that will embarass them (in any way that they'd not be embarassed by loving parents). They do not need to know if the support check is late or if Mom cheated on Dad.
Since most people are only able to communicate in a negative way during this crazy time, it seems the easiest response would be to just cut out communicating. Yet, as easy as it might seem, moving forward without communicating about the kids is not appropriate. The children need both parents, and their needs are not met when one of the parents doesn't know what is going on in thier lives (at school, at the doc's office, with their friend's), because the other parent refuses to pass the information along.
There are ways to communicate that will minimize conflict, and ways that will maximize it. We want to avoid the ways that maximize it and maximize the ways that minimize it (wrap your mind around that one and I'll be impressed).
E-mails are perfect. You get a record of what was said and when, you have the chance to edit before hitting "send", and you can be very clear and detailed. You can prioritize them and handle them according to your schedule, not the other parent's. Most importantly, everyone can get a password-protected e-mail address for free so the kids cannot snoop. If you do not have e-mail available in your life already, get a free address and get familiar with the computer banks at your local library to check in at least daily, just in case.
Text messages are a bad idea. Texts are short, shorthand, and easy to misunderstand. People who text frequently will dash one off and hit the send button without thinking, and expect immediate response, as if every text has some urgency and is worthy of interrupting the other parent's personal and work schedule. And records of texts are hard to get, even harder to understand months later, because of the shorthand used (take it from someone who has tried to trace old text conversations of clients who insist that their old conversation proves that the ex was wrong... e-mails are much better as records of what really happened).
For young children who cannot read, passing a notebook back and forth in the bag they carry from your house to the ex's & back, can work.
Be very careful, whatever communication method you choose, to be consistent and positive with the other parent. The separation has taken place, there is no point for more anger: if you want reconciliation, angry words will not make that happen; if you don't want reconciliation, angry words are no longer necessary... it's over, you're split. If you can't resolve an issue, no need for nastiness, simply put your requests in writing in the most persuasive way possible, and if the other person will not agree, take them back to court or to the mediator. This is not something to use as a threat, "If you don't I'll drag you back to court", simply do it. Get it over with. Court and mediators and parenting coordinators are here to make the decisions when there is a disagreement about anything worth disagreeing over. Make use of these opportunities rather than falling into old habits of trying to manipulate the other person into agreeing to you out of frustration or being pestered to death. Ask, explain why you think it's important, and then if the other parent does not handle things to your liking, go back to court.
To keep the kids from listening to your conversations, keep the conversations to a minimum. The only time you are together any more is when the kids are with one or the other of you, so talking is always dangerous. Even if you can trust yourself not to get crazy, can you trust the other parent?
Find a new way to communicate and make that a new habit, so that your recent habits that created the split are not so easy to fall back on. Good luck and feel free to contact me if you need more suggestions.
Good information. Thanks.
ReplyDelete