The Problem with Sociopaths

There is a popular TV show about a psychopath/sociopathic killer.  Dexter.  I’ve watched it with some friends who subscribe to the network that produces it.  The show has prompted an interesting conversation about sociopathy.  It is written so that the character regularly explains his inner feelings to the audience.  In the first season, his inner feelings were classic signs of sociopathy.  By the second season, we had a feel for his behavioral history, which was also classic sociopathy… torturing animals, learning how to imitate the feelings of others, etc. 

                But by the third season, we were seeing chinks in the writing about a classic sociopath.  Unable to sustain a show about a person without empathy for several years without finding a reason to feel sympathy for him, they started writing in extreme situations from his childhood.  Normal people who had not experienced such extreme difficulty might be willing to excuse abhorrent behavior in the child who had experienced such extremes.  His inability to feel empathy also suffered.  We saw signs of affection that he had for others in his surroundings, more than simple appreciation of a person who was useful to him (as a classic sociopath would feel), but rather, an affection for others that would motivate him to put himself out to help these others… his sister, a girlfriend, a pal at work.  He started seeming more human, and his failings seemed to be similar to a modern romantic hero.  The kid who suffered extremely as a child, and who developed some nasty behaviors as a result, yet grew up to be a successful professional with a loving family.

                And this is the problem with sociopaths.  Those of us who have the ability to empathize with others, to experience love, affection, and willingness to engage in selfless acts on behalf of another person, are unable to empathize with someone who does not have that capacity.  We cannot envision that someone might simply be incapable of empathy, might not have that ability in their genetic makeup.  So we invent explanation, tragedies, motives for their apparent heartlessness.  We envision a romantic version of the sociopath as a misunderstood being.   We envision that we understand them, and by understanding them, we may become capable of helping them.  We take events that others would survive (sometimes with help), and choose to believe that the sociopath’s behavior is explained. 

                But we cannot explain, understand or fix the problem.  A sociopath is a master manipulator and liar.  They are arrogant and lose respect for anyone they can fool, and to some extent, they fool all of us.  They are not interested in changing, and do not see the value in being able to feel love. 

                Some people think that a sociopath is a super-narcissist, having all the self-centeredness of the narcissist, but without the need for affection, without a conscience that would cause them to feel remorse about things.  I do not necessarily agree with this thought.  I tend to believe that Narcissism is a separate entity entirely.  I believe that sociopathy comes from an inability to empathize, and that sociopaths are self-centered only by default.  They do not show the extreme rage that a narcissist shows when crossed.  I believe that sociopathy is based in biology, not created by unfortunate circumstances.  I believe that Narcissism starts when a person is raised with an extreme attention to self-esteem, pride, self love.  I believe that Narcissism is nearly impossible to treat because the narcissist does not feel the need to change, having been trained to believe that they are perfect.  Yet I believe that this disorder is the result of training, and not the malfunction of any part of their biology.  I rarely hear of a Narcissist for whom anyone traces their odd behaviors to any stressful life event.  Yet people always look for a stressful life event in the history of a sociopath, to explain their behavior.

                I believe that no stressful events explain either disorder. 

                I can find no scientific studies to confirm or deny my own beliefs, just others who have formed opinions based upon their observations, some similar to my own, some different.

                It is interesting that persons with very similarly difficult personalities, who are both capable of lying without remorse, who cause havoc in those around them, would have such different motives for their behavior.  But that’s the way it is.  Just like a person who hears voices may suffer from schizophrenia or may be suffering from some different form of psychosis.  Just like their psychosis might be caused by biology or by the environment.  They may have suffered a several stressor or they might have ingested a poisonous substance that caused the hallucinations.  It does not matter, in many areas of psychology very similar symptoms can come from very different places, and therefore the treatment must be very different. 

                The problem with sociopathy and narcissism is that they are not as amenable to treatment.  Whether they ever will be, is questionable.  And the reason, for sociopathy, is that those of us who do have empathy, will never fully understand someone who does not have empathy.  Without that understanding, we cannot envision a treatment, we cannot find a way to motivate a person to treatment.  Our best bet is to control the behavior.

While the writers of Dexter seem to have gone off track in later seasons by giving him human emotions, a feeling of empathy for others, they did one thing right.  They gave him a father who tried to channel his urges in a path that would be least harmful.  And our best bet in treating sociopaths is to train them to behave in a way that conforms to what we want from them.  Figure out what motivates them (money, fame, comfort), and use that to motivate them to act as we need them to act.  And never expect them to feel empathy or love.  If we are in a familial relationship with a sociopath and wish that they would eventually feel love or empathy, our best hope is to learn to give up that hope.  We will not fix the sociopath’s missing empathy.

                We have no other options, spinning romantic tales of children rescued from the brink of destruction and becoming sociopaths as a result, is not productive and will not solve this.  Falling in love with a sociopath based upon their sad tale of woe and believing that we can fix their problems through the power of true love, is useless.  Believing that they will ever return our feelings, similarly useless.  But getting to a point where we can peacefully co-exist, if we can find what motivates them and keep from being disappointed in their lack of feeling, is entirely possible. 

                The problem is, those of us who have empathy cannot understand this.  We cannot help ourselves.  We will continue to look for things to feel sorry for them about, to look for the reason that they can’t be who we want them to be.  Even when we know everything about their condition, we cannot spend a significant amount of time with them without humanizing them, just as the writers of Dexter were unable to sustain the emotionless nature of their main character through more than a few seasons.   

Cooperative co-parenting versus competitive co-parenting

        Most people have an instinct to protect a child from playing favorites, developing a dislike for or hearing bad information about (a), the people who are raising them and (b), the people who provided DNA to them.  To people who have this instinct, it is intuitive that a child who hears that she was the product of a rape of her mother, (a plot of one of my favorite TV series, “Law & Order”, I think in the Special Victim’s Unit group), will be damaged by this information.  While a child raised with this information under her belt might eventually become a tough cookie who is loved by many, the problems caused by it are instinctively avoided by most of us.  And this is not just a situation with major problems (like finding out that your mother is bitter about your presence on earth because your father was her rapist), it’s also a situation with minor issues (like hearing that your Dad is a failure at finding gainful employment so your Mom can be the stay-at-home mother that she aspires to become).  Most of us understand that and will not burden children with this information. 

                People who understand this will not undermine the other parent’s discipline, will not give the child back the cellphone when the other parent has punished the child by removing it, will not allow the kid to watch TV behind the other parent’s back, will not encourage secrets, playing favorites, and will not bribe the child.  Parents who understand this will present a unified front on issues involving parenting, and for issues they’ve not previously come to an agreement on, they will rehearse and say, “I don’t know, what does your Dad say about this?”, or, “Let me talk to your Mother about it first, OK?”… and the kids will quickly learn that no amount of wheedling will let them play the parents against each other.  Parents who understand this will work cooperatively, even when separated and angry at each other over adult/relationship issues, to find a way for each of them to play an important, hopefully equal, part in the children’s lives. 

                However, way too many people engage in a style of parenting, even when they have not yet separated, which might best be described as “competitive”, if not “malicious”.  They have no problem asking the children to play favorites.  They tell the child to “wait till your father gets home”, and then burden the other parent with the job of meting out punishment.  They sigh heavily when the other parent fails to show up for a kid’s piano recital even though they know the other parent was tied up at work.  They criticize each other even when they do not contemplate separating, or after the decision has been made and therefore the tension between them is settled and they SHOULD be focusing on the children by now.  After separation, they find ways to interfere with the other person’s parenting time, forcing the other parent into bribery in order to get the child to spend parenting time with them.  They engage in bribery, themselves.  Or worse, they accuse the other parent of vile things such as abuse, addiction, abandonment.  They look for excuses to withhold the children from each other. 

                Most parents, EVEN IF VILE THINGS ARE TRUE about the co-parent, care too much about their kids to drag them into the middle of it.  Unfortunately, too many people want to give you dirty tricks about how to handle your divorce and/or custody battle.  They’ll take you to coffee once you’ve announced your separation, and will talk you into hiding all your assets or kidnapping the kids.  They’ll convince you it was “abuse” that the time the other parent looked at you crosseyed or frightened you by yelling loudly during an argument (whether or not you feared for your physical safety, they convince you that your own feeling of upset is what’s relevant to determine whether it’s “abuse).  They’ll have you convinced that this person you shared a bed with for YEARS is evil, evil, evil, and should be crushed.  They’ll write books and blogs about what kind of dirty tricks will preserve your wealth and put your partner in prison.  They give seminars and sell their services to help you with the dirty tricks.  And if you are upset enough by the loss of the relationship, it’s tempting to believe them.  After all, you did not know that this person would leave you or fall out of love with you, so what else is this person hiding? 

                During the separation and divorce process, it’s nearly impossible to keep all of this information away from the children unless you are very strong in your determination not to let them get involved!  Too many people are trying to convince you to play dirty.  But these are YOUR children AND your ex’s children, and if you have that instinct to protect them from bad stuff about their other caretaker/DNA provider, go with your instinct.  There are very few circumstances under which a child should be introduced to a parent’s wrong qualities, and none of those circumstances include hearing it from a recently dumped competing parent.  Even when it’s imperative that a child find out that the parent is not perfect (such as in a foster care situation where the child needs to know that their parent did something wrong and needs to work to change that in order for them to be able to get back together), this information should be approached with as much care as you would approach telling them your version of the truth about Santa Claus, or sex, or that testicular cancer runs in the family so maybe they’d like to consider getting their testes cut off as a preventative measure, or any number of other touchy and difficult topics. 

                Absent serious circumstances (the parent is in prison and therefore unavailable to see the child), children should not find out that their parents are not perfect until well after they are no longer dependent upon adults for their care.  Only if the other parent is entirely cut from the child’s life for legitimate reasons, should the child be informed (carefully) of those legitimate reasons.  And wanting your new mate to be free to adopt the child should not be considered a legitimate reason to bash the other parent!  Even if the other parent appears to have abandoned the children (whatever the reasons), if it is possible that that parent may someday need to be their primary caregiver, if, for example, you and your new spouse die in a horrible accident, you do not want your child to have to go through fear of the new caregiver at the same time as having to deal with grief over your death.  And worse, what happens when, years from now, your child finds out that the other parent does not have horned and cloven hooves as you implied when you were freshly feeling the pain of the separation and busily competing for your children’s time and love?

                When you announce your separation from your children’s co-parent, you will be lucky if you find friends who will supply support without malicious ideas, who will help you figure out how to spend your free time when the kids are not around and will encourage you not to trash the other parent.  These friends and family are gems and you should keep them as close as humanly possible to your children.  They will keep you sane through it, and keep you understanding that your own disappointments in your spouse need not be experienced by your children.  Not to mention that your children’s ability to grow up will improve with as close to equal time as possible with each parent, and your ability to move forward as an adult will improve as you have time without the kids (while they’re with your co-parent) to develop your personal life.  These friends and family might have the number of a good mediator to help you resolve the issues of divorce, or a lawyer who will be able to handle the paperwork of ending your marriage in as businesslike and amicable a way as possible, while still protecting you from the possibility that your evil ex will play dirty tricks.

                My point is that, no matter how evil your co-parent, you need to develop ways to avoid letting the kids get hurt by this evil quality.  And if you find a definitive answer on how to do this, let me know!!!  I have a few ideas on it, but the study of this issue is certainly not complete.