Debt Negotiation Scams

The recent financial crisis in our country has created a new industry, Debt Negotiation.  Be very careful in hiring someone else to do your negotiation for you. 

The problem typically starts with an unexpected expense, health or job situation that causes you to put more on your credit cards than you feel comfortable handling, and then the credit card company will unilaterally decide to increase your interest rate to the point where you cannot afford the minimum payments on your cards.  You get a new credit card, shift balances around, and work the system until you can go no further.  They increase their rates and their profits, forcing a situation where you cannot afford to make ends meet.   

You want to do the right thing and figure out how to pay your debts.  And Debt Negotiators arrive to save the day, offering to do it all for you, for the low, low price of… 

It is ALWAYS too much.  

Many states have no regulation of “debt negotiators”, so you could be talking to some person who has no knowledge of the pitfalls facing you if they fail.  It sounds so impressive when they say they have been “in the financial services industry for XX years…”, but were they in the debt negotiation business that long?  Not likely.  More likely, they were part of the mortgage lending scam and are now out of work so they’ve re-tooled their websites and are now offering this Debt Negotiation service.   Or they were financial advisors for a business that failed (not exactly the most ringing endorsement). 

Do not pay anything more than a very small service fee to a consumer protection agency for this type of service.  Enough for them to keep their phone service and postage for your case.  Think of it… you owe $50,000 to various creditors and cannot pay it back, but instead, up front, you save up and pay $5,000 to this negotiator, who now has your money and if they’re smart, they have made no promises.  They have said stuff that sounds like a promise, but if you look at the fine print, they do not promise success. 

The typical contract is something like this:  You pay me and I will try to negotiate all your outstanding debts, but if the creditors refuse to negotiate, I did my best and will not refund what you paid to me. 

What usually happens is something like this.  Let’s say you owe $10,000 each, to each of 5 different creditors for a total of $50,000.  You qualify for bankruptcy today, but if you only owed $45,000, you would not qualify (the means test for bankruptcy court is to blame for this).  Creditor number one negotiates, agrees to take 50 cents on the dollar, if you pay it up front.  You sell the good china and your wedding ring, and saved up a few months to pay them $5,000 to wipe yourself clean of the $10,000 debt that you owe to them.  In saving up this money, you missed minimum payments for creditors 2, 3, 4 and 5.  For Creditor 2, the negotiator works hard to reduce the payments.  They refuse to reduce the principal amount of the debt and take a lump sum up front to pay it off, and insist that the best they can do is reduce the interest rate and the minimum payment.  You agree.  The same works for creditors 3 and 4.  But Creditor 5 is stubborn.  They know they can get full payment of everything due to them if they push, and they file lawsuit.

You owe the debt so they win.  They also get $2000 on top fo the $10,000 that you already owed, to pay for thier lawyer.  Now they get to garnish your wages.  What this means is that 15-25% of your pay will come out of your check before it gets anywhere near you, every payday.  You now have to pay off creditors 2, 3 & 4 with what’s left AFTER Creditor 5 gets his share of your paycheck.  AND you still have to pay rent, utilities, and feed yourself.  Suddenly, there’s not enough left, and you fall behind on your payments to 2, 3 &4.   Creditors number 2, 3 & 4 file suit.  They win.  You are now paying what you owed to them, PLUS their lawyer’s fees for filing the suit.  A total of $8,000 worth of legal fees on top of the $50,000 you already owed.  But in the meantime you've paid off the first creditor and most of the second creditor's lawsuit.  In the year this has been pending, you have gotten to where you only owe $45,000.  You've paid a TON of money out and only reduced your total debt by $5,000.  You cannot make ends meet, but you no longer qualify for bankruptcy.  Your wages will be garnished by creditor number 2, then number 3 will take over, then number 4 and finally 5.  By the time your'e finished paying these debts off, you will be past retirement.  

Your Debt Negotiator has the $5,000 that you paid for this service and their contract is finished.  The first several times this happens to the Debt Negotiator, they act all surprised… “this never HAPPENED before!”  Because of the timeline of events, these things take a few years to get clear, but it eventually happens to most debt negotiation clients.  Eventually, the Debt Negotiator realizes that their job is not a public service.  Their job is just to sell their service and get their cash out of you before your other creditors get it and before you end up in bankruptcy court (if you're lucky enough to still owe enough money that bankruptcy is an option).  This is true whether their fee is $500 or $5,000 or more.  If it’s more than the price of mail and phone service, then it is more than you can afford. 

Spend your money on something that may be more painful but ultimately more successful… hire a lawyer if you need to defend yourself against a lawsuit by a creditor… hire a financial planner or credit counselor if you need help in deciding how to live within your means…. Spend the money to consult a bankruptcy attorney so that you know your options and understand the whole picture before you try to negotiate your own debts.  Understand that your creditors know the whole picture a lot better than you do.  They’ve been through this before.  So you are better off getting information than in handing a shoebox full of bills and a stack of money to a slick salesperson with a slick website who promises to perform miracles on your shoebox.  In most cases, you’d be better off spending your money on paying down some of the bills in the shoebox.  In many cases, you’d be better off spending your money on snake oil. 

NO BONFIRES: 10 steps to getting rid of your ex's stuff

Everyone who has had a heart-wrenching split from their mate knows of the urge to have a bonfire.  Movies have touted its efficiency in purging emotional baggage.  But deep down, we all also know that the tactic is wrong.  Somewhere, deep down, we are motivated by anger, and destroying our partner’s belongs feels satisfying in its vengeful quality.      

SO,I must warn that the little voice in the back of your head is a good voice.  It is telling you not to trash your ex's stuff, and it is right.  Setting fire to things that symbolize your ex lover is doing violence, while perhaps not as taboo as doing violence to the person, it is still a violent display of anger.  At the outset, you envision living in a home free of their stuff, but deep down, a little devil inside is dancing with glee at the disappointment of your ex in finding out that the stuff has been trashed.  A bonfire is the ultimate display of disrespect for the person you once shared a life with.

While some therapists may encourage such grand displays of anger, I believe this is misguided advice.  I agree that it is good to expel the energy behind an angry feeling, but the harm that a bonfire does goes beyond a few missing photos and heirlooms.  Domestic violence experts warn that destroying clothing or precious items belonging to another person is abusive.  It’s a display of anger and destruction that will give the message to the victim of the anger, and the message is that the abuser is dangerous.  This message, whether intended to do so or not, coerces compliance.  The woman whose clothing has been slashed will fear defying her mate.  The man whose family heirlooms have been destroyed will fear that the person who destroyed these things intends to alienate the children from his side of the family.  The victims of this distruction fear defying the destroyer, in a way that does not do justice.  It only does more destruction.  So, when people plan bonfires with the intention of avoiding violence, and they would never want to believe that they are being violent, the opposite is what happens.  They become the violent abuser.  But ultimately, what they are doing is just as bad as the violent husband who has removed his wife’s clothing from the closet and slashed it, turning it into a message to her that he is dangerous and has control over things that are precious to her. 

If you are convinced of the wisdom of this, you need an alternative, acceptable, plan of action for getting rid of your ex’s junk.  So, here’s the plan:

1)       When you have separated and to not intend to reconcile, give your former partner a reasonable amount of time to get settled.  “Reasonable”, depends upon the circumstances.  It is longer than a week, not as long as a decade. 

2)      Consult your lawyer to make sure you do not make deadlines that are not appropriate for your situation.  Ask for help setting reasonable limits so that you will not have stuff taken from you and that you will be safe if there are issues of physical violence or distrust as part of this separation.  The lawyer can help you decide whether you need to have friends standing by with you, if you need to pack the stuff and leave the home, if you can have police standing by (you may have to pay for this service from off duty police officers).  There are many options, even if you do not have a lawyer, pay for an hour worth of their time to get some ideas on how to do this properly so that no one will ever accuse you of contempt of court or worse: a crime of taking or destroying someone else’s property.  With guidelines from your lawyer on how you can protect yourself and your stuff while your ex is removing their stuff, move forward.

3)      Let your former partner know that you want them to remove their property from your home.  Give them a reasonable deadline.  Offer opportunities to schedule the move-out. 

4)      Either give it all to them and give them enough time to pack it all, or give them enough time to sort through it all as well as time to pack it up.  It is often an entire lifetime worth of stuff.  Be reasonable.

5)      This part of the split is harder on them than it is on you.  For you, it is an imposition into your private space.  For them, it is the logistical nightmare of moving their entire life without causing too much trouble to anotehr person.  Do not complain that they do not have enough friends to help with the move, or that they do not have the strength or space in their truck to complete it in one trip.  Those complaints are only intended to embarass them and hurt them, and make the whole task more difficult.  Some people find it hard to impose on others for help in situations like this.  Other people cannot afford the moving van needed to do the job properly.  Do not be cruel about it.  Remember how difficult it was to move when you were together and being cooperative with each other?  This is worse for them, going it alone.  So have a little sympathy.  I know, I know, they hurt you and they deserve this pain.  Still, you want to be the better person (by seeking out advice, you are trying to be the better person).  So within your means and your former partner’s means, find a way to manage the logistics of removing their stuff from your house, without using it as an opportunity to hurt or embarrass them, or rack up unnecessary costs. This is the last time you have to cooperate with each other, try not to make it a nightmare that will cause everyone involved to feel justified in being upset with you.  Yes, there are plenty of reasons for you to be upset with them, but do not allow your anger and upset show in this task.  This is not the time or place for you to contemplate revenge.

6)      For items you agree upon, offer to pack.  It will save them time and save you time of being intruded upon.  If you do pack for them, then do so carefully.  Let it roll off your back if they decline your offer with some nasty comment that suggests you are incompetent.  Wrap and pack the things as well or better than you would do for yourself.  No letting it sit in moldy puddles of water in your shed after you have packed it and until they can schedule a pick-up.   

7)      For photos and memorabilia, sort out what you want and put the remainder in a box for the ex.  Your ex gets that box outright and can take it home to sort through at leisure.  Let the ex sort through the items you choose to keep.  They will be sorting these items into two piles.  Some they do not want and therefore automatically go to you without question.  Others, they want.  This is the pile of disputed items.  For disputed photos and papers, get copies.  If any disputed items can be copied, then do so and each of you keep a copy (digitalizes photo records make this task much easier than a decade or two ago!)  Keep the remaining disputed items and come up with a way to distribute them later.  Never, ever assume that it yours and use it or dispose of it until you have resolved the dispute. 

8)      If your former partner does not cooperate with your attempts to get them to remove their stuff, your lawyer can help in explaining what is reasonable as far as giving them notice and a deadline.  Be reasonable. Make sure they receive your message that you will be getting rid of their stuff if they don’t pick it up.  If you have a court order to give them stuff, and it’s still at your home, your lawyer will probably recommend going back to court to get an order that will set deadlines and procedures for managing the pick-up.

9)      ONLY after you are certain that your partner has every item that they might want to get, assuring that you have not hidden things from them, that they have not forgotten some vital heirloom that they will only remember at Christmas, or their parent’s anniversary, etc., THEN you may dispose of the remainder of the items.  Have a garage sale, toss them in the trash.  If they are papers that contain identifying information, shredding and bonfires are acceptable.  Be safe about however you handle their former property that they have chosen not to pick up or forgotten about.  You do not want to be the source of a lifelong identity theft problem because you failed to take care of their copy of their birth certificate when you found it in your attic a decade after the divorce and they didn’t want to pick it up. 

10)  Throughout this, remember that you can only control your own behavior.  You cannot control theirs.  Do your best to remain in control of your emotions and be treat their property and them with respect.  Do not call them names or demean them for having difficulty in organizing this task.  Remember that it is a monumental task and they are in just as much pain as you are, more, maybe, for having had to make do without their stuff, since the separation.  Remember that they are the ones moving and going through this part of the trouble, only half of the problem is over with for them, once they have removed the stuff from your home.  They still have to figure out what to do with it, where to put it, how to unpack, etc., etc., after you are finished with the task.  Be respectful.  Even if they are cruel, mean, angry, remember that this is their behavior, and you do not have to respond in kind.  Try not to cry or yell or have drama during the contact.  There is time enough for you to fall apart when it’s over. 

If you follow these steps and do not play games with them or do anything unreasonable in the course of setting deadlines and making this happen, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you did the right thing and did not give into the temptation to hurt someone else, needlessly. 

Cooperative co-parenting: giving each other the information

I recently helped someone figure out how to handle a situation:  her child was scheduled for an event.  She and her ex husband had chosen to schedule the event together, because they were trying to be cooperative co-parents rather than competitive co-parents.  But she was the "point person" on the task of applying for the event, paying, preparing and taking the child to the event.  She sent several reminders, and could not figure out why he had not yet asked her for the address or contact information so he could attend and participate.  She was getting frustrated, and believed he was expecting her to act as his receptionist, organizing his schedule for him and helping him figure out how to get there and who to contact so that he could do something special for their child.

It took about a minute and a half of talking to her that she realized what was going on.  In her head, she was handling this in the same way she handled things during the marriage, when they lived in the same house and drove to events in the same vehicle.  She was frustrated at what she perceived to be his inability to organize his life.  She expected him to rely upon her, so she did not just cut and paste the contact and other event information (date, time, location) into her e-mail reminders to him.  She was waiting for him to realize that he did not have it already and ASK for it.  She was getting frustrated at him for not recognizing that he did not have it yet, and expecting her to organize his life for him (or at least his participation in this event).

I pointed out that it does not matter HOW he organizes himself any more.  That's up to him.  But in case he is the type who doesn't realize that he doesn't have the address of the place he's going, until he's about to get in the car, she can save herself the frustration of getting a last minute call from him while she's in the car and on the way, if she only cuts and pastes the event information into one of her reminder e-mails to him. 

She admits to me that her thought process was mixed up with a little anger at him for a past situation where he failed to give her event information until she asked directly, but she realizes that letting this issue become "an issue", is more appropriate to competitive co-parenting than it is to cooperative co-parenting.  She realizes that she solves the potential drama in this situation if she sends him the information without making him ask for it first. 

We talked a little about her feeling that he was turning her into “his secretary", as she put it.  I pointed out that even if this is one of the support staff-like functions of organizing a family, then the secretary of the business doing the event-planning is responsible for sending out the complete contact information for those business people who are not directly planning the event, bur merely attending and participating.  When she realized that she is acting as HER OWN secretary rather than his, by giving him complete information, it fell into place in her head.  Her responsibility in being point person on an event they agree about, is to keep him fully informed without waiting to be asked.   

Once she gives him the information that she possesses, her responsibility to him is over.  He can keep or toss the information, if he mistakenly hits the "delete" button, then it's reasonable for him to ask if she can re-send and she’s being nice (and doing right by her kid) to do that, but other than that, it's all on him.  

The lesson here?  In this world of instant communication, the process of letting each other know who, what, when, where, why (and how much $$), is simple.  Cut, paste, and <send>.  Assuming that you are in agreement on the actual event, coordinating attendance is as simple as handing each other the information.  Cooperative co-parents learn to do this automatically, as automatically as if they were acting as THEIR OWN secretary in forwarding their boss' invitations with complete information.  Once the recipient gets the information, it's up to them to follow through.  Cooperative co-parents need not nag, push, manipulate or mislead each other on this particular issue.  After they have been so good as to cooperate in choosing the event and choosing a point person for making the event happen, all they have to do is inform.  Completely. 

Is she on DRUGS?

I was recently asked this question by a colleague who was mystified at his opponent’s behavior.  His opponent is representing herself in court, having fired several attorneys.  They’ve been through several judges.  She hides information and seems to think that no one realizes that vital pieces of information are missing from the bare minimum stuff she has sent in discovery.  Those closest to her, including his own clients, do not believe she is on drugs, but they admit that they are not close enough to be sure.  

While no one is ever close enough to be sure that a person is not doing drugs, this strange behavior can be explained by something other than drugs.  Some personality disorders allow people to lie at will, without seeming to have any concept that their lies are obvious, and without seeming to have any feeling of guilt or embarassment about having lied.  The people who have these disorders do not suffer nearly as much as those around them.  They lie at the drop of a hat and appear so convinced of their versions of events that you are certain they would pass a lie detector test.  They'll tell any story that might get them off the hook for a minute.  And they may even pass lie detector tests.  People with these disorders can convince themselves of the truth of their own stories, despite that anyone who knows the whole story would easily prove that the story is a lie.  Or they have no capacity to feel empathy, so their physiological systems do not register negative when they lie. 

A person with an extreme version of one of these personality disorders may re-define the common meaning of words to suit their own purposes.  Maybe the person thinks the people who wrote a contract WANTED a certain thing to happen, and so they'll say that's what the contract says, despite that there is nothing in the contract that says so.  They'll hear a rumor and think it's their duty to pass it on.  They'll take money from their parent's estate on the theory that the parent really loved them best and didn't want the siblings to have as much, despite that the wihll says otherwise.  They'll say, "well it was Dad's WILL", meaning his "intent" (as they interpret it) rather than the actual document called the "will".  This person is referring to what she believes her parent would have wanted.  The fact that others disagree with her opinion on this is of no impact to her, she believes she is stating her opinion and that her opinion of her parent’s “will” is valid.  She never once seems to feel the need to conform her personal definition of “will”, with the technical, legal definition, the document that has been filed in probate court.  Or he will tell judge that the children say their mother is abusing them.  He knows full well that the kid's definition of abuse is making them do their homework, and that no one else would define it the same way, but the next thing you know, everyone in the neighborhood hears the rumor that their mother is abusive.  It becomes the "truth" of the family that Mommy is abusive, and she has a heck of a hard time in court, convincing people otherwise. 

But when the psychologists and lawyers finally question him about hwat he claims is abuse, they can't believe their ears, and next thing you know, "is he on DRUGS?"  or, "does he really believe we'll agree that THAT is abusive?"

It’s an interesting dichotomy.  The person with a personality disorder recognizes what the truth is, but simply believes that if they can convince others of their version, then that their version must be truth.  The court system permits her to go to court and tell her story, so she tells her "story", whether or not it makes sense, and if she manages to create enough confusion, then maybe she'll win by default. 

So my answer to my colleague is “no, it’s not necessary that she’s on drugs.  Not everyone whose ability to process logic and follow through on clear instructions is impaired, is on drugs.  Some of the people who are doing this are simply motivated by some internal problems that the rest of us cannot understand.”  There is no drug test that will solve this court battle, no lie detector that will help you prove her wrong.  She will likely pass both.  Don't bother trying to figure out why it is this way, just understand that this is the way she is.  Then move on to seeking the discovery through the appropriate channels, understanding that she will lie and hide stuff, and that you must follow through to get alternative sources needed to prove that she is lying.  

The subpoena to get the one month worth of bank records that was missing (you can be sure that is the month where something improper happened).  The psychological evaluation of the kids to verify that they are not really being abused.  The deposition of the independent witness who knows the truth.  Welcome to high conflict litigation, where the settlement conference never resolves the whole issue, the discovery is actively obstructed, and wacky things get blurted out at the last minute to delay the whole process even further.  

I know you wish you could just get an order for a drug test and take care of it with that, but unfortunately, if you're dealing with one of these personality disorders, you are likely spinning your wheels with that tactic, and should fall back on the more traditional, advesarial tactics that drive up the costs of litigation.  If your client is upset about this tactic, remember, the client is the one who got tangled up with the opponent, and without these traditional discovery methods, this opponent will likely win the case.   You didn't create the situation, but you can fix it.  Unfortunately, factors beyond your control make it impossible to fix on a tight budget. 

Just keep good records so that when you get the judge to order that this person pay your litigation costs because of their unreasonable behavior, that you'll be able to find their assets, because this is the same person who will not voluntarily follow a court order. 

And good luck.

How to prepare to request alimony

Preparing to ask for alimony requires getting creative.  You must pay attention to financial matters and career issues that you may have put aside when you decided to stay home or take lower paying jobs in order to follow your spouse’s career.  Many stay-at-home spouses intentionally ignore financial information and cultivate an attitude of naivete about the cost of the big picture of their lives.  But you no longer have a partner to split the responsibilities of maintaining a household with.  Your soon-to-be ex spouse will have to do his own grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning, and you will have to take care of your own car and figure out how to bring enough money into your household to make ends meet.  And to do this, you need to know how much it takes to make ends meet, and what resources do you have.  These are similar to the things you’d need to know if your spouse passed away.  The basic question the judge will have is, “how do you plan to finance your life, now that the job of stay-at-home spouse is no longer available?”

                Even before the initial shock of the separation and imminent divorce is over, you need to start figuring out what your expenses will be.  What will your mortgage or rent and utilities be?  How about medical expenses?  Transportation?  Food, clothing and entertainment?  Your lawyer will have worksheets to help you estimate how much you need.  Unless the two of you together were able to save money like crazy, you will never get enough money to support your whole lifestyle, from your ex.  You will likely have to reduce your expectations, as will he.  And they will never demand that more than half of his paycheck go to support you.  You may need to have a roof over your head and food.  But he also needs those things, plus he needs to do his own cooking and cleaning now that you’re gone, and he probably needs transportation and work clothes.  The job of staying at home to take care of his house and kids, is no longer yours and you must make plans to pick up some of the slack in terms of bringing in money.  One income simply will not split into two households, so things need to change.

                Do you have a job yet?  If now, then the judge will ask why not?  When you found out about the separation, why did you not run straight out to get work?  Have an answer to this question available, even if it does not sound like a pretty answer, so that the judge will understand that you tried, or why you could not try.

                Figure out what your career requires in order for you to rehabilitate it.  If you were licensed to perform work, but gave up your license because you were not working at that occupation, what will it take to get that license back?  Do you quit college or give up other schooling in order to get married or raise children?  If so, what will it take to finish your education and get up to speed in your career?  Have you moved around the country to follow your spouse’s job opportunities and lost your own opportunities in the process?  What would it take to fix that?  If you have been unemployed for so long that you do not know what is available to you, start talking to people, make connections, find work.  If you are lucky enough to have other sources of income (like a trust fund or savings accounts), this will help you get by.  Tell the judge that you are counting on it, and also remind the judge that you have the right to come out of the marriage with just as much STUFF as your ex does, without having to sell all the furniture to finance the rehabilitation of your career.  Do not try to convince a judge that you have been living off of zero for the past year during a separation, and that you have no resources and must live 100% off your ex.  Tell the judge how you supported yourself during the separation and why this source of support should not be counted on as a continuing source. 

If you are unlucky enough to be disabled and unable to work, and you hope for the judge to agree with you, then please go apply for disability now, if you have not done so already!  A disability determination in social security court will certainly help persuade the judge in your divorce, that you are unable to work.  If, on the other hand, your disability is that you have frequent migraines and must stay in bed 20 hours a day (I had one client whose ex tried to convince the judge of this), remember that this will mean you might be telling the judge that you cannot be a fit mother to your very active children who need supervision more than 4 hours a day (my client’s ex did not count on this). 

                Whatever you do, make some plan to support yourself.  If the only work you can find is as a greeter at WalMart, take the job to show that you are being industrious and trying to make ends meet in your separation.  Figure out how to work the child-rearing around your job, and if this means making your ex step up to the plate and share in these duties, make sure he is aware of this and has enough advance notice that he can arrange his own time off work when it’s his day to maintain the kids.  Do not count on a judge agreeing with you that your children should never need daycare, sitters, or after school care. 

Figure out how much you will need from your ex to make up the difference between your pay and your expenses.  If your way of supporting yourself happens to be finding a new lover, understand that the courts are not likely to agree with you that your soon-to-be ex should support you and your new lover.   Calculate child care expenses separately, because those will be requested as part of the child support amount.  Don’t try to get daycare and babysitters paid for by your alimony.  You don’t want this, anyways, because you have to pay taxes on your alimony, but you don’t get taxed on the child support that you receive, so you want your ex to pay for child-issues in a separate amount than in your spousal support check.

                Gather information about what you did to support your ex’s school or career, and how his career or your support caused a detriment to your own career.  Be prepared to explain what it will take to rehabilitate your career.  Be realistic.  If your career cannot be rehabilitated, don’t expect the judge to order him to pay for it.  If you were a 110 lb world class prima ballerina who has gained 150 lbs, had 3 kids and is now 20 years older, it’s going to be different than if you were a hair stylist who stopped paying for her license just last year and has only been away from work for 5 years.  If you were a teacher who married a doctor and were in divorce court 2 years later, do not expect the judge to make your doctor ex husband make up the difference between your teacher’s salary and his doctor’s salary, for live.  Getting a man to say “I do” is not like winning the lottery.  It’s more like getting a job, and if the marriage is over, the job is over.  The judge needs to hear your realistic plan for your new life.  Everyone in the courtroom knows it will not be easy.  It’s called “work” for a reason.  But divorce means that the opportunity to have someone else support you while you make sure the house is spotless and the kids’ homework is done, is gone.   As a career choice, "stay at home housewife" only exists for as long as the marriage exists.  More on that later. 

                The judge hears from many people daily about how easy or difficult it is to get a job today, and will have an idea of how long it should take YOU to get something new going, so if you exaggerate or procrastinate, the judge will know.  And will give you less than you request.  If you go ahead and make a realistic plan and start to follow through on it, the judge will know that you are being realistic and will be more likely to give you what you need. 

Your best bet in convincing a judge to give you as much alimony as possible is to figure out how much you need, make a plan for how to get to where you are self supporting, show that you are being industrious, and calculate the difference between what you can earn and what you need.

Explain why I can not get permanent alimony. What is Rehabilitative alimony?

Very few people qualify for permanent alimony any more.  In the 1950s, it seems that permanent alimony was the standard, and unfortunately, movies such as “the Odd Couple”, gave us the impression that this is how divorce is, and should be, handled.  That getting a man down the aisle and saying “I do” was like winning the lottery for a woman.  That she would, forever after, be entitled to have him support her “in the style to which she has become accustomed”. 

If you are separating or divorcing in the 21^st century, wipe those thoughts out of your vocabulary.  In the 1950s, women had been bumped out of the workforce by men returning from WWII.  Men ruled the roost and “the little lady” (a), could not get good employment outside of the home and (b), was given an allowance by her husband to use to keep the household running.  Men did not lift a finger to diaper the children, were banned from the delivery room, even, and basically did not show up in their children’s lives except to cheer them on at little league or other special events.  In a divorce, the women always got the children, and without the assistance of the father to raise the children, they were not expected to “go back to” work.  There was no “back” to get to, back then.

Someone, in some movie, decided that “the style to which she has become accustomed” was the standard that the man had to provide for the woman.  While this may be one factor used in determining what amount to award in alimony cases, the reality is that one cannot take one income, split it in two, and manage to keep EITHER party in the style to which it has become accustomed if the other party is to have any possibility of living, themselves.  Many other factors come into play as well.  That held true in the 1940s and 50s, and is more true now, as people have been living beyond their means in the first place, and are divorcing with tons of debts outstanding. 

In the 60 years since the times where alimony to a woman was expected, we worked hard to get more opportunity for women in the workforce.  Men worked just as hard to become more a part of their children’s lives.   There has been a change in the way divorce is handled as well.  Even if you chose a traditional family constellation for your household, a woman still has more opportunity than her mother/grandmother.  And even for the husband working full time while supporting a stay-at-home wife, he probably still changes more diapers, does more homework with, and handles more issues about raising the kids more his father and grandfather before him.  Each new generation brings new opportunities.  And divorces have changed to reflect these opportunities.

No one will tell a loving couple whether or not they are allowed to choose to have either family member stay home and not earn money, so long as they are living within their means and not asking the court to mediate their differences, but where a couple has separated and one of them asks for the court to order their partner to help maintain the family, the choices to keep one of them unemployed are reviewed and may require change.  Some general principles have emerged as part of this, but the rules are constantly changing.  No one can look at what happened in their friend’s case, or look up the rules on the internet, and expect them to stay the same.  In general, as time progresses, it seems the Courts are less paternalistic… there is less coddling of women.  Women are less likely to be able to claim total dependency.  Judges are less willing to believe that women are incompetent and incapable of fending for themselves in the working world.  And the courts are giving more respect to the position of “father”, as being an important and valuable one to enforce. 

What remains in this new way of thinking, is that many families who worked well together, made some decisions that would cause one or the other’s career to falter, so the courts are left with trying to figure out how to solve this so that the one with the faltering career can get back on their feet after a divorce.  The money that is needed for this is often called “rehabilitative” alimony (or spousal support).  This is money that is given for a temporary period, expected to help the receiving spouse rehabilitate their career prospects after years away from the workforce.  It may include money for education, licensing, or to tide the receiving spouse over while working their way up the ladder at the office.  It may help with relocation expenses or finance a startup of a new business or company.  It almost always has a time limitation, and is usually between 1/3 to 1/2 of the length of the marriage, to be ended entirely if the former spouse remarries. 

To prepare for the new world of single-hood where the only alimony available will be temporary, or “rehabilitative”, a woman should do a little research.  The Courts want to help a receiving spouse get up to speed in her career, but do not intend to let her lounge around and procrastinate.  They will not accept it if you have remained naïve about finances and career issues once a divorce was imminent.  By the time you get to trial, you need a plan, because if you have not figured out what you need, they will possibly give you less than you need. 

Stay tuned to this blog for a post on how to prepare when you need to ask for alimony. 

Alimony: your friends are a bad substitute for a good lawyer

Your own perception of what you deserve in a divorce is likely skewed.  It is either higher than realistic, or lower, depending upon your own perception of yourself, your friend’s support, your understanding of what others got, and what you read in the news or online.  Do not rely upon any of these ways of finding out what is fair and what you might get in terms of alimony! 

To begin with, we have a growing problem in society of demanding that “friendship” means “blind support”.  In many groups, you get together for a chat with friends, and whoever of the friends has bad news expects the others to rally around with supportive contributions to the conversation.  “He’s a jerk”, or “good riddance to her”, are expected.  Group-thinking prevails, and any thought which disagrees with the main force of the group is suppressed.  "Support" is blindly re-defined to mean "agree with whatever the upset person wants to hear", and as long as everyone follows this social code, everyone will be happy.  So when you tell your pals about your financial situation, you expect them to be similarly supportive.  You expect any unsupportive persons who maybe telling you something different, will be run out of town on a rail.   Even if you want your friends to give you a realistic appraisal of your chances, you can expect them to be overly optimistic, in the mistaken belief that you need to keep a positive attitude. 

This kind of support can hurt you.  While it feels good, this kind of groupthink rarely reflects what is really going on the world.  Just because someone suffered through their own divorce and made a killing off of their ex, does not mean you will.  You need to meet with an attorney to get the real story.  And if one attorney does not agree with you, go ahead and get a second opinion.  Be careful to find a smart opinion, not just one that will agree with you.  If you get your advice from an attorney who has never seen this issue in court, and their advice is different from what every other attorney has told you, there may be a very good reason for that.  Look for an attorney who has handled this kind of issue before, successfully, and ask them for a realistic appraisal of whether you can win in your case.  One frequent refrain in family court is that family cases are like fingerprints in that no two are exactly alike.  Do not think that because your bests friend married for 15 years to an engineer with 3 kids got a bazillion in support, that you, also married to an engineer for 15 years and with 3 kids, will get the same.  Other factors could be at play here that could totally change your result.  You need to be prepared for this possibility. 

Let me give you an example of how your friends or family’s blind “support” can lead you astray:

I had a client who arrived on my doorstep with a horrifying situation.  After an annulled teen marriage and a brief first marriage right after college, both of which ended amicably, she spent 25 years with her second husband, sticking through thick and thin.  He was a lazy jerk, but she was embarrassed about picking so badly and having 2 divorces under her belt by the age of 25, so she was not going to have a third divorce!  Unfortunately, her husband took advantage of this.  He kept getting himself fired from one job after another, forcing her to work harder and harder if they were to make ends meet.  She would come home to a full slate of parenting duties, because he chose not to be engaged with the children.  She did the cooking, cleaning, took the kids to the doctor and everything.  All he did was play guitar and work out with weights in the basement.  About 15 years into the marriage, she started talking about divorce.  He had done some research online and talked to pals about it, and he felt he had positioned himself perfectly to be supported by her, for life.  So he told her this.  She sought advice from friends who were divorced, most of whom were stay-at-home mothers who really did do the work of staying at home.  These friends confirmed that a stay-at-home parent with 2 children would most certainly get alimony after a 15 year marriage.  Terrified and fully aware that she could not support two households, she remained until it became unbearable.

Luckily, her next move was to hire me.  Many people in her place would try to save themselves a few bucks by trying to do it for themselves.  especially after hearing from everyone they knew, that they would lose their argument in the divorce.  I explained that he and her friends were wrong.

While everyone was right about the courts trying to be less sexist about their decisions, his fantasy of what defines a “house-husband”, was mistaken.  He could NOT refuse to be a parent and ignore the kids so that they'd insist on leaving when their mother left, and then get child support.  He could NOT, as an able-bodied man, choose not to work just because he had a spouse who would pick up the slack while she was married to him, and expect that a judge would make her pay him to continue.  He had missed some essential elements to positioning himself for a good result.  He had assumed that there are "tricks" that he could exploit to bring him a result that was unfair to his ex and his kids, and allow him to continue to be lazy in life.  He was wrong.  

And bringing in 500 pages of automated applications to menial jobs, generated by sending his resume to Monster.com, followed up by nothing, would not change that.  He could NOT convince the judge that he had made a reasonable effort to become self-supporting. 

After I laid out the situation for the judge, the judge actually turned to him and said, “I hear Circle K is hiring”.   His attorney was embarrassed.  My client nearly fainted in relief.  He had spent years, online and learning about the purpose of alimony, intentionally positioning himself for becoming the winner of the “alimony lottery”, and having buddies pound him on the back in congratulations about what a brilliant strategist he was.  And he missed the simple guiding principle… that every adult needs to work at something, and if your joint choice of how to divide labor within the marriage makes it tough for you to get back up to speed in your own career choice, THEN … MAYBE… you will be supported until you can revamp your career.   

If you spend your time positioning yourself to look like a lazy bum, and you show up in court with that record… well, your friends, your internet research, and your own fantasies have steered you wrong.  There are legitimate "tips and tricks" out there, none of which are very "tricky", to help you position yourself in a divorce or separation.  For example, getting copies of all the financial documents and keeping them in a separate place, closing access to accounts for the purpose of keeping EITHER of you from spending all the spare cash and wasting it before separating, sitting down when you have both come to a conclusion that you can't stay together, and before you have decided to be evil to each other about it, and separating all the personal property and heirlooms, removing them and putting them in separate households so that you can't get evil and start having bonfires with each other's things once the amicable stage is over... those are great tips.  But trying to find a way to trick the system into giving you more than you deserve, letting you be an adult who does not pull their own weight... these are bad tricks and tips to take, and if your friends are urging you into doing that, they're wrong. 

Hollywood may have given us the wrong impression of what is appropriate... from "Odd Couple" and "First Wives' Club", where ex wives receive ample support to live on, no matter what the pre-divorce situation... to various shows where the main characters' separation is a side issue and we merely witness them being evil to each other by doing things like telling the children that the reason they can't afford this or that is that the support is too high, or not high enough... these are NOT the appropriate places to get our strategy.  Please, consult with a reputable lawyer, a mediator, an economist and/or a therapist, for legitimate help with your separation and divorce.  DO NOT rely upon Hollywood or your best pals for good tips and tricks!

Game plan to avoid being cheated

Consumer cautions for military personnel and other young adults:
                New military recruits graduate from childhood to adulthood quickly.  Before you have a chance to be an adult consumer in the civilian world, you are whisked away to participate in a war.  When you return, you have a pocket full of cash and lots of ideas on how to spend it, but no foundation in how to handle the sales team waiting for you to walk through their door.  A few suggestions:

                These people are not the enemy and they do not look like it.  They look like your best friend, your parents, or a former service buddy who has gone into the civilian life with some sales skills.  They may truly believe they are helping you, and may have no idea that they are asking you to sign a bad contact.  They target you, not because they dislike service members and want to trick you, but because they know you have cash in your hand.  They study you and know what you want and what you worry about.  Your lack of experience in handling cash is not the reason they target you, but it certainly makes their job easier.    

                They have studied their products and can teach you about them.  They know the things that you could not have found out about during your internet search… they take pride in helping you, and before you know it, you know whether they are married or not, whether they were ever in the service, and which branch.  You will know about their kids and what school they went to.  Anything they have in common with you, you will hear about.  The danger is that this will relax you and make you more likely to buy from this person, whether or not this person has the best deal available for you.  You will believe this person when they talk to you about loans and leases, warranties and whether or not you should get your own mechanic to check the used car out after their dealership has already done its special evaluation (which always has some special name that makes it sound like it must be the most perfect evaluation in history). 

                Remember, they have studied people like you, which is why you like them and trust them.  But they also know their product.  They know whether this car seizes when it goes over 50 miles per hour, so that they will encourage you to test drive it only on local roads where the speed limit is 45.  They know that you are interested in saving money and will find it easy to avoid spending extra cash on a mechanic to look at the car or a lawyer to review the contract for purchase.  They play on this.  After all, you are a big man who understands engines.  You have pulled a whole tank apart in the desert and put it back together in less than an hour.  You can certainly do your own evaluation of the car.  You don’t need your Dad or your wife to help, or approve. 

This is how they use your pride against you.  To convince you that you do not need a friend’s opinion, an inspection, a mechanic to look at it, a lawyer to review the contract.  Don’t let them do it to you.  Use your pride to follow a plan.  Here is the plan:

1.       Go online to research your purchase.  Find out prices, the plusses and minuses, the consumer report on it.  If it’s a car, look at the Kelley Blue Book value.  If it’s a house, look at Zillow and Trulia.

2.       Know how much you can afford.  Don’t just take some realtor’s recommendation that you “can” afford something.  Look at how much you want to spend on it and find out how much that would be if you got a loan with that type of payment.  In calculating your costs, put in costs of repair, alterations, maintenance, licensing, insurance, and taxes.  Get pre-approved if you can, even for a car loan.  It’s better to take a more conservative approach and let the dealer beat the deal you have in your hand if they can, than to let the dealer do it for you and have a nasty surprise because you did not know all the details.

3.       Go shopping.  Personally look at the purchase.  No falling in love with a house on the MLS or a car on Cars.com or a sofa on craig’s list is allowed.   Personally walk through it, test drive it, sit on it.  Turn it upside down and check it out.  Don’t get dazzled by the paint job, look at it’s bones.  Appearances will tell you if it was well taken care of, but be careful of reading much more into a clean seat.

4.       Get a professional inspection.  You will probably have to pay for this.  A home inspection, a termite inspection, a mechanic’s inspection.  All are very valuable.  If someone suggests that you should not get an inspection, be suspicious of their motives.  Nothing, not even a rush to get the deal done, is worth missing this step.  And no, you cannot just do the deal and rely upon getting it inspected later.  Undoing a bad deal is usually impossible, and in the few situations where it is possible, it is very, very difficult.

5.       Arrange for a warranty.   Now is the time to start to finalize things, but do not finalize until you finish with step 6!

6.       Bring the contracts to a lawyer for review.  This includes the contract for the loan as well as the contract for the sale.  More than one person has been surprised by bad loan terms they did not understand.  The lawyer can either help you re-negotiate the contract, or can inform you of the meaning of the various clauses.

Follow this plan that you are less likely to get cheated.  Less vulnerable to people who would use your pride against you.

               

Fixing the Picker: Part IV, Physical attraction

Looks may be the first thing we notice about a person we are dating, but it needs to be last on the list of how to pick someone for a lasting relationship.  Looks change as people age.  We gain weight.  We lose weight.  We lose hair and go grey.  We get busy at work and can't get to the gym as often, or out in the sun to get a tan.  We develop allergies to various beauty products or develop higher priorities than beauty.  We get sick and end up with lasting scars after recovery.  We lose breasts to cancer and tight skin to pregnancies.  We start limping after a sports injury or get a scar from a accident.  We get wrinkles after years of sun exposure.  A life, well lived, starts to show up.  Changing looks are part of adding experience and improving in other ways.  For these, and many other reasons, the attractiveness of our potential mate needs to be the last priority. 

One of the important "other" reasons, is that when we are focused on a person's looks, we become blind to the more important things.  If we feel the pull of physical chemistry, we start trying to make excuses for the other things that should be red flags to us.      

Remember, certain assets that are considered attractive simply do not occur in nature, as often as they appear at the country club.  The hot redhead likely spends a significant amount of time in the beauty salon and the man who has kept his quarterback's physique well after his college football days were over, likely spends a significant amount of time at the gym.  Enhanced breasts, lipo, cute little upturned button noses, collagen and botox come with a price... and you will have to live with this price... your loved one will be in surgery and/or recovery for a few weeks a year. Super muscles and super performance at the gym also comes with a price, and anyone who tries to tell you that their steriods do not affect their psychological make-up is simply wrong.

Even supposedly healthy habits come at a price.  Many vegans find that their hair starts to thin.   

Be sure you're willing to live with the price... the side effects of the things you pick.

I know women who are very physically attracted to the macho, gym rat look, and they enjoy the manner of an arrogant man.  They choose based upon this look, and regularly find that they have picked a job hopper who treats waitresses like dirt and is estranged from their family.  They are surprised at repeatedly finding themselves in relationships with poverty-striken but attractive men who are jerks behind closed doors. One such woman friend of mine has decided not to date at all, rather than find herself with another man who keeps losing jobs because he prioritizes his gym time over work. 

I have clients and friends who repeatedly pick barbie princesses.  they like the look and love it if she needs a big, strong man to rescue her from the messes she's gotten int.  In one situation, a friend of mine who was about 50 met a woman in her 40s who had "kept herself up".  He was blind to her faults.  

At age 45, every one of her ex boyfriends and husbands had fatal flaws such as... one was physically abusive, another was gay, another had herpes, another was a cheater, another was bankrupt, another was a criminal who lied about it, another was a drunkard, another was a stalker ... and on & on.

          She was a cutie. She had taken her inheritance from her Dad's estate and enhanced her breasts, smoothed her stomach, turned her thighs into little sticks, bleached her hair nearly white. She was quite the bombshell.  She represented herself as being an “engineer”, and because we were a social group, no one really bothered to check up on this.  One party, she met my husband.  She wanted to charm him with how wonderful she is.  I am very lucky that he likes me better, so he was not interested in the cutesy little flirting things she was probably trying.  But he is an engineer, so he tried to engage her in a conversation one evening about their common type of work, what kind of engineer was she, what type of work, etc… and it turned out that she was a receptionist in an construction firm whose bosses often told her that she had learned a lot about their business, and that she should finish her college education and consider becoming an engineer.  They occasionally trusted her to give answers on minor issues to clients.  But her college career consisted of having attempted community college several times but never finishing any of her coursework and actually getting credit.  My husband, who was able to put aside her looks, had found one of her flaws that would have been fatal to a relationship with him, in the space of one 10 minute conversation. 
          If only another one of our friends had been able to do so.  Superficially, she was cute, had a great career, and a dating history that deserved being rescued from.  There was not a man she had ever dated within the group, who didn't have to leave the group in embarassment or anger, after being faced with the barrage of nasty gossip that she would start about them after a breakup.  This was a group of adults who had known each other for decades, and who frequently dated and broke up over the years, learning to lie with each other in peace if the relationships ended.  But never when one of HER relationships ended.   She worked hard to develop an aura of a woman who was repeatedly approached and loved by men who were all seriously flawed, and it couldn't possibly have been her fault because every one of their flaws were different from each other.  She was the perfect damsel in distress.

This friend who should have known better, started flirting with her at one party after one of her breakups.  He was sure he could do better than her previous boyfriend, who had turned out to be a stalker (or so she said).  He had a good job and a good work ethic, and he was able to maintain a reasonable distance until the time when the relationship deserved more.  A group of our friends took him aside and reminded him of her issues, but he ignored it because she was so cute and he was sure that, armed with information about her issues, he could avoid them or work around them.  My friend went ahead and dated her.   When they broke up, her story about him was that he was entirely incapable of performing in bed, that she had suggested Viagra and any number of solutions, and he refused. Poor guy. He stuck around the gang ONLY because he had dated other members of the group knew this woman’s story to be a lie.  

He has, happily, adjusted his picker, and I’ve not heard of him dating women who were superficially attractive while having serious flaws that prevented a good long term match.  Having learned his lesson, he looks at a woman's history before and moral fiber before he checks out their looks.  Which is the smart way to do it. 

Fixing the Picker: Part III. Money

Most divorces arise from serious disagreements about money:  How to handle it, how to save and spend, how to get it, and who has the power or control over it.  Whenever I see a statistic about what causes people to break up, THINGS and MONEY are always the number one issue.  He can’t keep a job.  She spends every dime that comes into the house.  He wastes the joint money on golf, a boat, or some other habit he insists on maintaining.  She overspends on the kids, claiming a right to do so because “it’s all about the CHILDREN”, despite that it will put them into bankruptcy.  She refuses to work despite that he says they can’t afford a stay-at-home parent.  They spend themselves into bankruptcy.  He doles out money to her like a parent giving allowance to a kid.  She maintains her salary in a separate account for herself (after advice from others that a woman always needs “her own” money), while thinking of HIS salary as jointly owned.  He sends money to his parents to help them out in their old age, despite that she says they can’t afford to do so.  She is jealous of the alimony or child support that he owes to previous relationships and wants him to run to court and find ways to reduce it.  They invest in a business, throw all their money into it, and then can’t agree on some details of how to save it when it fails, and blame each other for losing their nestegg.  Every one of these situations comes from a divorce I handled, and I could simply keep going.  The point is that every person has their own issues, and every couple develops their own ways of handling the joint issues.  And many times, these issues and the couple's ways of handling the issues can create problems.

          However it comes around, money is a huge issue in many marriages, and is the catalyst for most breakups. 

          Given this information, it makes sense to have long discussions about money before you marry.  If your officiant does not require pre-marital counseling that has a component about finances, you should do it on your own.  And even if you do get a premarital counseling on finance, you should work harder on this issue than your counselor requires. 

          After years of being a divorce attorney, I decided to avoid this for my future relationships.  When we were dating, I decided to explore the whole situation before we went further.  Use my choices as a guide in doing it, yourself:  I provided information to my (now) husband about my finances, my office and business, my retirement savings, my income and my tax liabilities.  He knew the value of my house, my car, and the loans on them.  He knew about every credit account I had.  I asked for his information.  I got him to let me browse through his copy of his divorce file along with all the financial disclosures from it.  I checked to make sure he had fully paid his divorce lawyer from his previous marriage.  I knew his child support situation and his retirement savings situation.  I looked (with permission) at the credit bureau report that he had from the purchase of his post-divorce house.  I offered for him to get a credit bureau report on me. 

          We talked about our future plans, about our business plans, our retirement plans, our careers, our plans for financing our lives.  We talked about the fact that neither of us were from rich families and were not living off of trust funds.  We talked about whether either of us would have ongoing obligations to our parents as they aged and how we planned to handle the moral obligations without ruining ourselves financially.  We talked about the same issues in regard to his kids and their college expectations.  We looked at each other’s career paths, and discussed the mistakes we and each other had made. 

          Even with all this talk, there were surprises.  We did not anticipate the economic downturn and the resulting affect it had on our real estate and retirement accounts.  We did not anticipate the job situation that required us to move around the country.  But the fact that we had discussed all these other pieces of the puzzle ahead of time made it possible, when the country’s financial crisis arose, for us to trust each other in discussing how to resolve our personal issues within the country’s crisis. 

          The older you are, the more of a track record you have in issues involving things and money.  Look at how someone chooses to spend thier money.  Are they living high on a small budget and using credit to do so, or are they pinching pennies with a million dollars in the bank?  Are you overspending your income and hoping a partnership with someone will help solve your credit issues?  Does your proposed partner know that you expect them to solve your money issues? 

           If you and your partner are young, it’s difficult to ascertain what your partner’s attitudes might be, but even if both of you are financial babies (very new to understanding financial issues), you can figure out if you have similar hopes and dreams, and whether you have a smart plan for making those things happen.  You know whether each other has bought all the toys you can afford or whether you are trying to develop a habit of working and saving for a rainy day.  And recognize that it will take work to grow together in these issues. 

           If you and your partner are older, you can look at your partner’s track record and figure some of this out.  Expect that you will not change someone else’s basic attitudes about money.  Expect that you will have to negotiate and grow together on this issue.  Expect that from time to time, even people who agree on everything will encounter surprises or have to negotiate.  But you cannot ignore it.