I recently helped someone figure out how to handle a situation: her child was scheduled for an event. She and her ex husband had chosen to schedule the event together, because they were trying to be cooperative co-parents rather than competitive co-parents. But she was the "point person" on the task of applying for the event, paying, preparing and taking the child to the event. She sent several reminders, and could not figure out why he had not yet asked her for the address or contact information so he could attend and participate. She was getting frustrated, and believed he was expecting her to act as his receptionist, organizing his schedule for him and helping him figure out how to get there and who to contact so that he could do something special for their child.
It took about a minute and a half of talking to her that she realized what was going on. In her head, she was handling this in the same way she handled things during the marriage, when they lived in the same house and drove to events in the same vehicle. She was frustrated at what she perceived to be his inability to organize his life. She expected him to rely upon her, so she did not just cut and paste the contact and other event information (date, time, location) into her e-mail reminders to him. She was waiting for him to realize that he did not have it already and ASK for it. She was getting frustrated at him for not recognizing that he did not have it yet, and expecting her to organize his life for him (or at least his participation in this event).
I pointed out that it does not matter HOW he organizes himself any more. That's up to him. But in case he is the type who doesn't realize that he doesn't have the address of the place he's going, until he's about to get in the car, she can save herself the frustration of getting a last minute call from him while she's in the car and on the way, if she only cuts and pastes the event information into one of her reminder e-mails to him.
She admits to me that her thought process was mixed up with a little anger at him for a past situation where he failed to give her event information until she asked directly, but she realizes that letting this issue become "an issue", is more appropriate to competitive co-parenting than it is to cooperative co-parenting. She realizes that she solves the potential drama in this situation if she sends him the information without making him ask for it first.
We talked a little about her feeling that he was turning her into “his secretary", as she put it. I pointed out that even if this is one of the support staff-like functions of organizing a family, then the secretary of the business doing the event-planning is responsible for sending out the complete contact information for those business people who are not directly planning the event, bur merely attending and participating. When she realized that she is acting as HER OWN secretary rather than his, by giving him complete information, it fell into place in her head. Her responsibility in being point person on an event they agree about, is to keep him fully informed without waiting to be asked.
Once she gives him the information that she possesses, her responsibility to him is over. He can keep or toss the information, if he mistakenly hits the "delete" button, then it's reasonable for him to ask if she can re-send and she’s being nice (and doing right by her kid) to do that, but other than that, it's all on him.
The lesson here? In this world of instant communication, the process of letting each other know who, what, when, where, why (and how much $$), is simple. Cut, paste, and <send>. Assuming that you are in agreement on the actual event, coordinating attendance is as simple as handing each other the information. Cooperative co-parents learn to do this automatically, as automatically as if they were acting as THEIR OWN secretary in forwarding their boss' invitations with complete information. Once the recipient gets the information, it's up to them to follow through. Cooperative co-parents need not nag, push, manipulate or mislead each other on this particular issue. After they have been so good as to cooperate in choosing the event and choosing a point person for making the event happen, all they have to do is inform. Completely.
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