There is a popular TV show about a psychopath/sociopathic killer. Dexter. I’ve watched it with some friends who subscribe to the network that produces it. The show has prompted an interesting conversation about sociopathy. It is written so that the character regularly explains his inner feelings to the audience. In the first season, his inner feelings were classic signs of sociopathy. By the second season, we had a feel for his behavioral history, which was also classic sociopathy… torturing animals, learning how to imitate the feelings of others, etc.
But by the third season, we were seeing chinks in the writing about a classic sociopath. Unable to sustain a show about a person without empathy for several years without finding a reason to feel sympathy for him, they started writing in extreme situations from his childhood. Normal people who had not experienced such extreme difficulty might be willing to excuse abhorrent behavior in the child who had experienced such extremes. His inability to feel empathy also suffered. We saw signs of affection that he had for others in his surroundings, more than simple appreciation of a person who was useful to him (as a classic sociopath would feel), but rather, an affection for others that would motivate him to put himself out to help these others… his sister, a girlfriend, a pal at work. He started seeming more human, and his failings seemed to be similar to a modern romantic hero. The kid who suffered extremely as a child, and who developed some nasty behaviors as a result, yet grew up to be a successful professional with a loving family.
And this is the problem with sociopaths. Those of us who have the ability to empathize with others, to experience love, affection, and willingness to engage in selfless acts on behalf of another person, are unable to empathize with someone who does not have that capacity. We cannot envision that someone might simply be incapable of empathy, might not have that ability in their genetic makeup. So we invent explanation, tragedies, motives for their apparent heartlessness. We envision a romantic version of the sociopath as a misunderstood being. We envision that we understand them, and by understanding them, we may become capable of helping them. We take events that others would survive (sometimes with help), and choose to believe that the sociopath’s behavior is explained.
But we cannot explain, understand or fix the problem. A sociopath is a master manipulator and liar. They are arrogant and lose respect for anyone they can fool, and to some extent, they fool all of us. They are not interested in changing, and do not see the value in being able to feel love.
Some people think that a sociopath is a super-narcissist, having all the self-centeredness of the narcissist, but without the need for affection, without a conscience that would cause them to feel remorse about things. I do not necessarily agree with this thought. I tend to believe that Narcissism is a separate entity entirely. I believe that sociopathy comes from an inability to empathize, and that sociopaths are self-centered only by default. They do not show the extreme rage that a narcissist shows when crossed. I believe that sociopathy is based in biology, not created by unfortunate circumstances. I believe that Narcissism starts when a person is raised with an extreme attention to self-esteem, pride, self love. I believe that Narcissism is nearly impossible to treat because the narcissist does not feel the need to change, having been trained to believe that they are perfect. Yet I believe that this disorder is the result of training, and not the malfunction of any part of their biology. I rarely hear of a Narcissist for whom anyone traces their odd behaviors to any stressful life event. Yet people always look for a stressful life event in the history of a sociopath, to explain their behavior.
I believe that no stressful events explain either disorder.
I can find no scientific studies to confirm or deny my own beliefs, just others who have formed opinions based upon their observations, some similar to my own, some different.
It is interesting that persons with very similarly difficult personalities, who are both capable of lying without remorse, who cause havoc in those around them, would have such different motives for their behavior. But that’s the way it is. Just like a person who hears voices may suffer from schizophrenia or may be suffering from some different form of psychosis. Just like their psychosis might be caused by biology or by the environment. They may have suffered a several stressor or they might have ingested a poisonous substance that caused the hallucinations. It does not matter, in many areas of psychology very similar symptoms can come from very different places, and therefore the treatment must be very different.
The problem with sociopathy and narcissism is that they are not as amenable to treatment. Whether they ever will be, is questionable. And the reason, for sociopathy, is that those of us who do have empathy, will never fully understand someone who does not have empathy. Without that understanding, we cannot envision a treatment, we cannot find a way to motivate a person to treatment. Our best bet is to control the behavior.
While the writers of Dexter seem to have gone off track in later seasons by giving him human emotions, a feeling of empathy for others, they did one thing right. They gave him a father who tried to channel his urges in a path that would be least harmful. And our best bet in treating sociopaths is to train them to behave in a way that conforms to what we want from them. Figure out what motivates them (money, fame, comfort), and use that to motivate them to act as we need them to act. And never expect them to feel empathy or love. If we are in a familial relationship with a sociopath and wish that they would eventually feel love or empathy, our best hope is to learn to give up that hope. We will not fix the sociopath’s missing empathy.
We have no other options, spinning romantic tales of children rescued from the brink of destruction and becoming sociopaths as a result, is not productive and will not solve this. Falling in love with a sociopath based upon their sad tale of woe and believing that we can fix their problems through the power of true love, is useless. Believing that they will ever return our feelings, similarly useless. But getting to a point where we can peacefully co-exist, if we can find what motivates them and keep from being disappointed in their lack of feeling, is entirely possible.
The problem is, those of us who have empathy cannot understand this. We cannot help ourselves. We will continue to look for things to feel sorry for them about, to look for the reason that they can’t be who we want them to be. Even when we know everything about their condition, we cannot spend a significant amount of time with them without humanizing them, just as the writers of Dexter were unable to sustain the emotionless nature of their main character through more than a few seasons.
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