Most people have an instinct to protect a child from playing favorites, developing a dislike for or hearing bad information about (a), the people who are raising them and (b), the people who provided DNA to them. To people who have this instinct, it is intuitive that a child who hears that she was the product of a rape of her mother, (a plot of one of my favorite TV series, “Law & Order”, I think in the Special Victim’s Unit group), will be damaged by this information. While a child raised with this information under her belt might eventually become a tough cookie who is loved by many, the problems caused by it are instinctively avoided by most of us. And this is not just a situation with major problems (like finding out that your mother is bitter about your presence on earth because your father was her rapist), it’s also a situation with minor issues (like hearing that your Dad is a failure at finding gainful employment so your Mom can be the stay-at-home mother that she aspires to become). Most of us understand that and will not burden children with this information.
People who understand this will not undermine the other parent’s discipline, will not give the child back the cellphone when the other parent has punished the child by removing it, will not allow the kid to watch TV behind the other parent’s back, will not encourage secrets, playing favorites, and will not bribe the child. Parents who understand this will present a unified front on issues involving parenting, and for issues they’ve not previously come to an agreement on, they will rehearse and say, “I don’t know, what does your Dad say about this?”, or, “Let me talk to your Mother about it first, OK?”… and the kids will quickly learn that no amount of wheedling will let them play the parents against each other. Parents who understand this will work cooperatively, even when separated and angry at each other over adult/relationship issues, to find a way for each of them to play an important, hopefully equal, part in the children’s lives.
However, way too many people engage in a style of parenting, even when they have not yet separated, which might best be described as “competitive”, if not “malicious”. They have no problem asking the children to play favorites. They tell the child to “wait till your father gets home”, and then burden the other parent with the job of meting out punishment. They sigh heavily when the other parent fails to show up for a kid’s piano recital even though they know the other parent was tied up at work. They criticize each other even when they do not contemplate separating, or after the decision has been made and therefore the tension between them is settled and they SHOULD be focusing on the children by now. After separation, they find ways to interfere with the other person’s parenting time, forcing the other parent into bribery in order to get the child to spend parenting time with them. They engage in bribery, themselves. Or worse, they accuse the other parent of vile things such as abuse, addiction, abandonment. They look for excuses to withhold the children from each other.
Most parents, EVEN IF VILE THINGS ARE TRUE about the co-parent, care too much about their kids to drag them into the middle of it. Unfortunately, too many people want to give you dirty tricks about how to handle your divorce and/or custody battle. They’ll take you to coffee once you’ve announced your separation, and will talk you into hiding all your assets or kidnapping the kids. They’ll convince you it was “abuse” that the time the other parent looked at you crosseyed or frightened you by yelling loudly during an argument (whether or not you feared for your physical safety, they convince you that your own feeling of upset is what’s relevant to determine whether it’s “abuse). They’ll have you convinced that this person you shared a bed with for YEARS is evil, evil, evil, and should be crushed. They’ll write books and blogs about what kind of dirty tricks will preserve your wealth and put your partner in prison. They give seminars and sell their services to help you with the dirty tricks. And if you are upset enough by the loss of the relationship, it’s tempting to believe them. After all, you did not know that this person would leave you or fall out of love with you, so what else is this person hiding?
During the separation and divorce process, it’s nearly impossible to keep all of this information away from the children unless you are very strong in your determination not to let them get involved! Too many people are trying to convince you to play dirty. But these are YOUR children AND your ex’s children, and if you have that instinct to protect them from bad stuff about their other caretaker/DNA provider, go with your instinct. There are very few circumstances under which a child should be introduced to a parent’s wrong qualities, and none of those circumstances include hearing it from a recently dumped competing parent. Even when it’s imperative that a child find out that the parent is not perfect (such as in a foster care situation where the child needs to know that their parent did something wrong and needs to work to change that in order for them to be able to get back together), this information should be approached with as much care as you would approach telling them your version of the truth about Santa Claus, or sex, or that testicular cancer runs in the family so maybe they’d like to consider getting their testes cut off as a preventative measure, or any number of other touchy and difficult topics.
Absent serious circumstances (the parent is in prison and therefore unavailable to see the child), children should not find out that their parents are not perfect until well after they are no longer dependent upon adults for their care. Only if the other parent is entirely cut from the child’s life for legitimate reasons, should the child be informed (carefully) of those legitimate reasons. And wanting your new mate to be free to adopt the child should not be considered a legitimate reason to bash the other parent! Even if the other parent appears to have abandoned the children (whatever the reasons), if it is possible that that parent may someday need to be their primary caregiver, if, for example, you and your new spouse die in a horrible accident, you do not want your child to have to go through fear of the new caregiver at the same time as having to deal with grief over your death. And worse, what happens when, years from now, your child finds out that the other parent does not have horned and cloven hooves as you implied when you were freshly feeling the pain of the separation and busily competing for your children’s time and love?
When you announce your separation from your children’s co-parent, you will be lucky if you find friends who will supply support without malicious ideas, who will help you figure out how to spend your free time when the kids are not around and will encourage you not to trash the other parent. These friends and family are gems and you should keep them as close as humanly possible to your children. They will keep you sane through it, and keep you understanding that your own disappointments in your spouse need not be experienced by your children. Not to mention that your children’s ability to grow up will improve with as close to equal time as possible with each parent, and your ability to move forward as an adult will improve as you have time without the kids (while they’re with your co-parent) to develop your personal life. These friends and family might have the number of a good mediator to help you resolve the issues of divorce, or a lawyer who will be able to handle the paperwork of ending your marriage in as businesslike and amicable a way as possible, while still protecting you from the possibility that your evil ex will play dirty tricks.
My point is that, no matter how evil your co-parent, you need to develop ways to avoid letting the kids get hurt by this evil quality. And if you find a definitive answer on how to do this, let me know!!! I have a few ideas on it, but the study of this issue is certainly not complete.
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