Everyone thinks they have the right to control things that go on in the other parent’s household. Everyone is wrong. When you separate from your co-parent, you no longer have the right to control the other parent. You can insist on following the court-ordered parenting plan, but anything beyond that is by choice. If it happens during your ex’s time with the child, it’s your ex’s choices. If it happens during your time with the child, it’s your choice. You cannot choose what your ex will be doing with the children. So, if you want the child to go to private school, name it in the parenting plan to make sure the other parent complies, and if you want the other parent to pay for part of that school, you need to have that in the parenting plan/child support agreement as well. If raising the children as vegetarians is important to you, get your ex to sign off on it in the parenting plan, before they decide to be a meat lover. Anything worth arguing about later should be thought of and spelled out earlier. During this process, you will learn that you and your ex do not agree on everything, and that you cannot control their choices. This is an important lesson to learn, and one that will solve a lot of heartache.
Because you should not be making the other parent’s plans for them, then you should also not schedule activities for the child that take place in the other parent’s time. Your ex is allowed to choose activities or their own, or they are allowed to choose to do nothing at all when they have the kids. You cannot insist that the ex take them to a certain place or avoid other places. You cannot prevent your ex from taking the child to visit friends, grandparents, and new romantic relationships unless it is in the decree or you get a post-decree ruling from a judge on the issue.
Your joint co-parent can arrange the haircuts, ear piercings, and food that the child eats with that parent. They have as much right as you do, to choose the child’s style and clothing. This is particularly true if they have joint custody, so if you choose to go to war over these items, I guarantee you will be frustrated and disappointed. Learn to cooperate on decisions like this for the sake of the child, or resign yourself to unpleasantness about these life decisions until the child is 18 years old and making those decisions for him or herself.
Your joint co-parent can arrange the haircuts, ear piercings, and food that the child eats with that parent. They have as much right as you do, to choose the child’s style and clothing. This is particularly true if they have joint custody, so if you choose to go to war over these items, I guarantee you will be frustrated and disappointed. Learn to cooperate on decisions like this for the sake of the child, or resign yourself to unpleasantness about these life decisions until the child is 18 years old and making those decisions for him or herself.
Most states do not require parents to pay college expenses, if you want to guarantee payment, you must have it in the settlement agreement. Unless the decree is from a state which requires it, the judge will not require it without the paying parent’s agreement.
Your ex cannot tell you who you are allowed to date, and visa versa. Your ex cannot tell you where you are allowed to live and visa versa. Your ex cannot tell you what to eat, feed the children, when to do homework, what activities you can or should do with the kids, and visa versa. It does not matter if you think you have superior knowledge of the children or better parenting skills, you are not allowed to force the other parent to do things that are not in the decree. There are some extreme circumstances where parents feel they must defy the decree or else the co-parent will expose the child to danger (such as when the ex has a new spouse who happens to be a registered sex offender). In those circumstances, you must go back to court to get a court order changing the parenting plan to fit the new circumstances.
Controlling the other parent’s behavior is a hard habit to get rid of, if you had a division of labor in the household that put you in charge of organizing the extracurricular activities and dinner menu, and the other parent in charge of the homework. Now that you are separated, you are not allowed to tell the ex what to sign the kids up for during their time, just like they are not allowed to force you to do homework with the kids in a certain way. Failures to follow this rule can turn into nasty battles for control of each other and of the kids.
This does not mean you do not have to inform the other spouse of what you are doing. Every parent should always know what their child is doing and where they are, as well as how to reach them if there is an emergency, so it’s important to tell the other parent if you’ve moved back to your parent’s house until you can get on your feet, or if you’ve signed them up for piano lessons every Wednesday after school at the music teacher’s house. You can’t force the other parent to pay for the piano lessons, but at least let them know about it.
If a parent moves, they must still adhere to other portions of the parenting plan until it’s changed in court. No court prohibits an adult from moving, but the fact that you wanted to or had to move does not change the parenting plan. Realistically, this means you must go to court to amend the parenting plan (or get your ex to stipulate) if you are moving too far away to maintain the current plan. Either that, or do not move that far away. It’s a choice: either jump through hoops to follow the decreed parenting time, get the decree changed, or choose not to move, it may not be not an easy choice, certainly not as easy as if you were still together and making these decisions together, but that’s what happens when parents split before the children are adults, they must submit their plans to court approval.
I have never known any separated parents who did not find something to worry about, about the other parent’s household, whether it’s the other parent’s friends, new romantic interests, activity choice, extravagant lifestyle, choice of discipline or lack of it, homework, school, clothing, holiday traditions… there is a reason you are split and these reasons are often reflected in such issues. However, you can either run back to court for a new refinement of the parenting plan on the issue, or you can follow the parenting plan to the letter and let the other parent control things when the children are in the other parent’s care. There are no other appropriate choices.
The easiest solution, and the one most separated parents make, is to learn to cooperate for the big issues and let the little ones slide. I hope you can get to that point if you’re reading this, because the alternative, taking repeated trips to court, is expensive, frustrating, and difficult for all involved.
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