Do not say angry things about the other parent in a way that the kids will hear or find out about it.
This is a particularly difficult rule. Some states have classes that they require all parents to go through, which classes explain this principle in detail. The problem is that we have a history of believing that "venting" is good for one's own psychological issues. We feel like bottling up feelings is bad for you. While this is true, the problem has been that our society has evolved, over the past 40 years, into a society where one is expected to disclose anything and everything to anyone who shows interest or curiousity. There is a fine line between venting and starting gossip, and most people cannot recognize that line.
We watch TV shows and movies where people get together with their family and friends, and vent away. The expectation, when you go out with pals and a divorce or separation is pending, is that you will tell all about the horrible things that happened in your house from your point of view, and your friends and family will be blindly supportive of your claims, even encouraging you to exaggerate them, all in the theory that they are doing right by you.
Here is the problem with all this venting. If you do it with anyone who has any connection with anyone who knows the kids, you can be sure the kids will eventually find out. It does not matter if you have teens who are obsessed with their own friends and can't drag themselves away from the video games or cellphone, or if you have toddlers who do not understand the more adult language and concepts that you are using, the children will be curious about anything having to do with their own family (especially when the family is breaking up) and they will rouse themselves from the playstation or wake up from thier deep sleep and toddle down the stairs to eavesdrop. Even if they are not ONLY safely tucked away in bed or in front of their playstation, but are totally out of the building when you are venting to your parents or the neighbors, their friends will tell them what THEY heard from thier own parents, and your kids will piece together how you feel about their other parent. And if there are gaps in thier information, they will fill it in with the worst possible choices.
Their misunderstandings will be awful and evil. They will believe that if there were disagreements about parenting, that perhaps their own presence in your lives caused the divorce. They will believe if the two of you cannot agree about parenting time, that one of you has rejected them. And if they ever overhear that you say, the other parent "left us", they will experience the same rejection and you are experiencing. You do not want them feeling this way.
I know one woman who trashed her ex to family, friends, whoever would listen. They had been happily married for 20 years and she is a strong woman, but to her her talk, behind closed doors, things were miserable and he was abusive. The children were old enough to confirm to others that their mother was exaggerating, but their mother continued to be nasty. The neighbors weren't sure what to think, but would not allow their children to visit this woman's children if they were at theri father's home, just in case. Over the next few years, the friends and neighbors started to realize that something was significantly wrong in her household. They started refusing to let their children visit her children at her own house. Before you know it, her children were never able to convince even their best friends to come visit. This is not a good situation. These popular kids spent the rest of their high school careers, avoiding spending weekend time at either parent's house, and ended up being the type of kids who are talked about when someone talks about a kid who hangs around with other families (and with the whispered comments, "they're from a broken home, you know". This did not need to happen. If that woman had gone to her pastor or to a therapist (as she had been ordered to do), she would have resolved the need to be so venomous in her discussions that others would be that alarmed.
Often, to you, a separation means that your home is now a safe haven for yourself. It is not that for the kids. The anger you feel against the ex is something they still feel present every day, even if there is no longer an opportunity for yelling daily. And if every exchange of time with the kids is your only opportunity to talk to each other about divorce issues, and you choose to take that opporutnity while the children are there and waiting to bo to the other parents and settle into their lives at the other parent's house, then the children will actually witness every one of these angry communications between you. And this is all they will witness between you. For their sakes, find another way to communicate. One the kids cannot eavesdrop on. E-mail with a password protection that the kids cannot access. For younger kids, a notebook with notes about what is going on, that you pass back & forth with the kid's backpack. And for in front of the kids, find a way not to make your comments sound like you're sniping at each other, and not to overreact to comments that the other parent makes. If the kid gets a rash and needs a particular lotion every 6 hours, then be careful about how you instruct the other parent on this need. Find a way to do it that is neither demanding nor condescending. If you are receiving information during the transfer of the children that bothers you, treat it as if it was meant to be helpful, not a condescending order. Assume the other parent meant to do right by the kids, even if you know differently. Do not allow this stuff to bother you. The children are watching.
The children are also eavesdropping.
The worst thing that can and will happen if you talk about the other parent in a nasty way, is that the kids, who have an understanding of heredity (after all, during better times, you didn't mind telling them that they got their artistic talent from Dad and their fashion sense from Mom), will believe that half of thier D"NA came from a person who is flawed, and perhaps they, also are flawed.
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