One very important divorce survival tip!!!!!

I just saw an old clip of "The View" where Joy Behar was talking about how she got through her difficult divorce and stayed sane by writing down everything SHE did wrong, not by spending her time chronicaling what HE had done wrong. I thought that was brilliant, and I would like to suggest that to every one of my divorcing clients.  Spend your time thinking of what YOU have done wrong, not what the other person did wrong.  Yes, you have to address the other person's wrongdoings when you get to court, you have to tell your lawyer about the other person's wrongdoing.  If you don't, then the other person's wrongdoing could end up in you losing some of the STUFF that you should end up with.

But for the purpose of moving on, of figuring out what is worthy of complaining about and determining whether or not your own position about your ex's wrongdoing is reasonable, figuring out where you have gone wrong is vital.  Looking at your own fault helps you decide whether your ex's acts are forgiveable (like if they did the same as what you did), whether you can improve on your behavior, whether you can bring something more to the table or correct your mistakes the next time around.  Figuring out what you did wrong and are doing wrong on an ongoing basis helps you take responsibility for problems, like an adult does.  People can tell that you are a new, improved version of you.  You don't have to tell them.  With this stuff, it shows through your eyes, and oozes out your pours... it becomes part of your aura, that you have done the right thing, have taken responsibility for your issues, and moved forward.

This is a skill that translates to other areas of life, and therefore it's very valuable to use this opportunity to practice it.  For example, expert suggestions about how to get ahead in the working world contain advice that will use this skill... learn to take responsibility for your work, the negative as well as the positive.  Being the one to get ahead is more than just self-promotion.  It's about being the person in the group who stands up and says, "I messed it up, I'll fix it".  Everyone appreciates someone who will speak up and take responsibility.  You never know how much it's appreciated until years later. 

To do this, you will have to understand the concept of "deferred gratification", of doing something just becuase it's the right thign to do, not becuase it's the easy or fun, or because it gets you an instant reward.  For this task, you need to learn to get your reward internally.  But if you persist in examining your own issues and are willing to wait and accept that it will take a while for any reward to show up, you will find that the reward is much more than you could have hoped for.  The reward for this is self-improvement, peace of mind, future relathioships that do not repeat the same mistakes of your past.  It's a very valuable piece of advice.

Remember it... keep notes of what you did wrong, and stop focusing on what you believe your ex did wrong.  VERY important information.  Thanks Joy.  Here's the clip: http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/the-view-hot-topics-kate-gosselins-kids/2f76cd1506963f8b37f12f76cd1506963f8b37f1-389181015590?q=gosselin+expelled&FROM=LKVR5&GT1=LKVR5&FORM=LKVR4