Do me a favor, please: whenever you hear the phrase, "he (or she) left us", please correct the speaker. Or if you hear it in a movie, make note of it and make sure everyone knows that this is not good parenting.
Let's start by assuming that it's a true statement, that the other parent said, "I don't want to be a parent any more" and walked away. It is uncommon, but it does happen. How awful is it for the children to have to hear reminders that their primary residential parent's life would be better if the children disappeared? How awful to have their first experience of rejection being from a parent? Why would a parent want the child to be reminded of this awful circumstance? This is one of those things you should try to protect the children from. They will notice that the other parent does not show up for parenting time or holidays or any other things. They don't need to have the remaining parent rub their nose in the rejection.
But more often than not, the statement "he (or she) left us" is a lie. The other parent rejected the spouse, not the children. The other parent may disagree with the spouse's parenting ideas, or may have simply wanted to avoid argument, but never intended to let the children get hurt from the separation. Very often, the absent parent knows that the primary parent would use the children as weapons and believes that as long as they stay away, this is less likely, and therefore they believe that their absence is less harmful to the children than the anger that comes with their presence. It's often a mistaken idea, but someone in the midst of a very difficult situation with a spouse, who has previously trusted the spouse with the children, is likely to believe that the spouse will not hurt the children... they know that the spouse will hurt them if possible, but not the children. In the situations where the spouse is saying "he (or she) left us", the absent spouse's faith in the primary parent is misplaced.
Here's how I advise parents who pop out with that sound bite without a good foundation for it:
I know your ex is a jerk. There is a reason that you are separate now. But you picked that person as a co-parent. You picked that person to give your love to. There was a time in your life when you were willing to cooperate with them and felt it was in the best interests of the kids to spend time with that person. And they made that commitment to you. And that commitment has changed. Their status as a parent as not changed, only their commitment to you. It hurts, but their separation with you says nothing about their feelings towards the kids.
Interestingly, many parent's relationship with their children improves after a separation. This phenomenon is easily explained if you realize that they weren't intending to be bad parents, they were simply removing themselves from the anger that arose every time you were in the room together, and unfortunately, that meant that they did not see the children as often. Remember, IF THEY WITHDREW FROM FAMILY EVENTS BEFORE THE SEPARATION, THAT WAS LIKELY MORE ABOUT STOPPING THE UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS THAN ABOUT REJECTING THE KIDS. The person who was rejected was you, not the children!!! Rejection hurts, and I hate rubbing your nose in it, but understand that every time you say "he (or she) left US", you are rubbing your children's noses in the rejection, and your children are younger and less emotionally able to handle the rejection. As much as that hurts, try to understand it and hold the children away from your anger about the rejection.
Do not tell anyone that the other parent does not care about the kids. That is not for you to judge. You are not a credible judge of your ex's motives in anything, including their motives in parenting. You can be sure that they care about the children as much as they did when they lived with you. But they have to show their care in a different way. Living under a different roof, they have to change their parenting style, and you are no person to judge whether the changes that they've made are appropriate. You are separated as romantic partners and you simply no longer have any right to comment on your ex's choices.
If you privately feel that they are not caring enough, do not let the kids hear it. Kids don't need to hear from you that you predict the other parent will be late to pick them up for parenting time. When you say it, it implies that they don't love the children. Do not ever let the children feel unloved. Do not ever suggest to them that the other parent's bad habits about being timely or reliable are a reflection of rejecting the children.
You have enough to deal with, with your separation and a whole new life. Some parts of it will be good (eventually, if not now), but it's for you to deal with, alone. Do not compound it by bringing the children into the misery. Let the relationship they have with the other parent, whether it's a good relationship or a bad one, develop without making your opinion known.
Let's start by assuming that it's a true statement, that the other parent said, "I don't want to be a parent any more" and walked away. It is uncommon, but it does happen. How awful is it for the children to have to hear reminders that their primary residential parent's life would be better if the children disappeared? How awful to have their first experience of rejection being from a parent? Why would a parent want the child to be reminded of this awful circumstance? This is one of those things you should try to protect the children from. They will notice that the other parent does not show up for parenting time or holidays or any other things. They don't need to have the remaining parent rub their nose in the rejection.
But more often than not, the statement "he (or she) left us" is a lie. The other parent rejected the spouse, not the children. The other parent may disagree with the spouse's parenting ideas, or may have simply wanted to avoid argument, but never intended to let the children get hurt from the separation. Very often, the absent parent knows that the primary parent would use the children as weapons and believes that as long as they stay away, this is less likely, and therefore they believe that their absence is less harmful to the children than the anger that comes with their presence. It's often a mistaken idea, but someone in the midst of a very difficult situation with a spouse, who has previously trusted the spouse with the children, is likely to believe that the spouse will not hurt the children... they know that the spouse will hurt them if possible, but not the children. In the situations where the spouse is saying "he (or she) left us", the absent spouse's faith in the primary parent is misplaced.
Here's how I advise parents who pop out with that sound bite without a good foundation for it:
I know your ex is a jerk. There is a reason that you are separate now. But you picked that person as a co-parent. You picked that person to give your love to. There was a time in your life when you were willing to cooperate with them and felt it was in the best interests of the kids to spend time with that person. And they made that commitment to you. And that commitment has changed. Their status as a parent as not changed, only their commitment to you. It hurts, but their separation with you says nothing about their feelings towards the kids.
Interestingly, many parent's relationship with their children improves after a separation. This phenomenon is easily explained if you realize that they weren't intending to be bad parents, they were simply removing themselves from the anger that arose every time you were in the room together, and unfortunately, that meant that they did not see the children as often. Remember, IF THEY WITHDREW FROM FAMILY EVENTS BEFORE THE SEPARATION, THAT WAS LIKELY MORE ABOUT STOPPING THE UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS THAN ABOUT REJECTING THE KIDS. The person who was rejected was you, not the children!!! Rejection hurts, and I hate rubbing your nose in it, but understand that every time you say "he (or she) left US", you are rubbing your children's noses in the rejection, and your children are younger and less emotionally able to handle the rejection. As much as that hurts, try to understand it and hold the children away from your anger about the rejection.
Do not tell anyone that the other parent does not care about the kids. That is not for you to judge. You are not a credible judge of your ex's motives in anything, including their motives in parenting. You can be sure that they care about the children as much as they did when they lived with you. But they have to show their care in a different way. Living under a different roof, they have to change their parenting style, and you are no person to judge whether the changes that they've made are appropriate. You are separated as romantic partners and you simply no longer have any right to comment on your ex's choices.
If you privately feel that they are not caring enough, do not let the kids hear it. Kids don't need to hear from you that you predict the other parent will be late to pick them up for parenting time. When you say it, it implies that they don't love the children. Do not ever let the children feel unloved. Do not ever suggest to them that the other parent's bad habits about being timely or reliable are a reflection of rejecting the children.
You have enough to deal with, with your separation and a whole new life. Some parts of it will be good (eventually, if not now), but it's for you to deal with, alone. Do not compound it by bringing the children into the misery. Let the relationship they have with the other parent, whether it's a good relationship or a bad one, develop without making your opinion known.
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