So many people ask me how to withhold parenting time from their co-parent that it's not funny. About 10% of the time, there is a serious problem that makes withholding parenting time necessary. Violence or substance abuse causing severe neglect is a danger to the children and the children should be withheld. But that's rare. Today I'm talking about the 90% who need to be talked down from a bad parenting decision:
Many separated parents would like to control the other parent's time at some point. It's an ego thing. They are the best parent. The other parent has rejected them and therefore rejected the kids. The kid loves them more and the other parent less. Once you recognize that it's ego and stress over the separation, not good parenting, that is causing you to feel this way, you can stop looking for reasons to keep the kids away from the other parent and start looking for ways to encourage the parenting time.
Learn to recognize the excuses. Maybe you heard that it is unfair to the kids to have two separate houses or maybe you believe the other parent is not a good parent. Maybe you think it's good to withhold the kids when they are angry at the other parent or don't like the new stepparent. Or there are grandparents who stick their noses in to encourage the anger in a misguided attempt to help.
Whatever the excuse, keeping the child from the other parent is bad for the child. A study about a decade ago at Arizona State University showed that children are best served by having as close to equal time with each parent as possible. If they have equal time with each parent, the other stuff is gravy. Experts recommend similar rules in each household, but that is not a deal-killer. The kids will not crumble if Mom's house has different rules from Dad's, just like the kids understand that there are different rules at Grandma's. Usually kids are fine with two different houses, two beds, two sets of toys, etc. Kids of intact families feel at home at grandma's home or at the summer home. Some parents think a move is bad for the kids, but if they were still in an intact family and the move was to a nicer neighborhood or across the country for a better job, there would be no question that it would be ok for the kids. The kids would fuss, the parents would do it anyways, and in the end, everyone would be happy. The adjustments associated with divorce are no different.
Once you get over the idea that the kids now have two homes, try to find a regular, predictible plan. This will help the everyone. You parents can make real plans, the kids know what to expect. Start early in enforcing the schedule. Be willing to be reasonably flexible when occasional schedule changes arise. If such a change is necessary, get it in writing and talk about it outside of the listening range of the curious kids. Don't let them get the impression that they are the cause of your arguments, or that they have any right to control where they spend any given day or night. On the issue of parenting time at least, present a united front that they cannot disobey.
Never allow yourself to schedule activities to take place on the other parent's time. If Britnee's mom asked if Suzy will sleep over and it's going to be your ex's weekend, give them your ex's phone number and explain that they need to arrange it with the ex. It's a simple thing once you get used to doing it that way, and lets the ex be more involved in parenting. Don't plan fun to take place in their absence and tempt them away from the other parent by talking about it. And don't try to give them guilt about the time they spend with the other parent by telling them how awful you feel when they're gone. They do not need to know this part of your personal life and don't need to have responsibility for your happiness. Just be their parent and wish them a good time.
Do not allow the kids to avoid time with the other parent. You would not allow them to pitch a fit and avoid school or church or a visit to grandma's, so don't allow them to avoid the other parent by pitching a fit. Do not allow the kids to think they have control. Imagine if the kids got the impression that they can just leave whenever they get angry at you. If you let them do this when they get angry with the other parent, it will eventually turn on you. Never allow yourself the pride of feeling that you are their favorite, that you are the better parent, that the other parent's choices of activities or discipline are inappropriate, and therefore you are justified in defying the court ordered parenting time.
Do not use parenting time as either a reward or punishment. Do not use it as a tactic in the divorce. Do not allow excuses. Even send the kids to the other parent if the kids are sick. You may not believe the ex can be nurturing, but you should not withhold parenting time simply because you don't think the other parent can or will do what you think want them to do. Let them do it, their own way.
No matter how much you hate your co-parent now that you are separated, no matter how much you hurt, you must find a way to avoid letting this hurt the kids. Cooperate at least to the extent of enforcing the parenting time. Good luck and if you have a specific situation you need help understanding, let me know.
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