Fixing the picker: Part I How they treat others

When looking for a mate,

Look at how they treat their parents. This is how they will treat you when you are old and/or sick.

Look at how they treat waiters, waitresses and salespeople at stores. This is how they will treat you when you are waiting on them or doing chores for them.

Look at how they treat their ex. This is how they will treat you when they are angry at you.

Look at how they treat/train their animals. This is how they will treat/train their children. If you have fundamental differences in approach, you might want to consider how you will reconcile your differences.

Where is my question asking what they look like and whether they surround themselves with attractive people?  NOWHERE.  The reason is that issues of looks and physical attraction are the least of the things we should be looking at.  Looks and physical attraction are EASY to find.  All you need are eyes.  Any group of a thousand people… a good 300 of them will be physically attractive to you (and a different 300 of them will be physically attractive to someone else.  That part is about chemistry, and regarding chemistry, there is someone for everyone out there). 

But if you start with the good looking group, and then try to figure out which of them has a good enough character to continue to work with, it’s tough.  You will be blinded by the cute-ness.  You will try to find excuses for bad behavior.

If you start with the group of people who have good behavior… let’s say, 100 of those thousand whose behaviors match your needs, and then stand THAT ONE HUNDRED GOOD PEOPLE, all in front of you.  And then check to see whether they match your needs for financial issues, history issues, age issues, career and family plans.  You might end up with a good 10 people out of that thousand, standing in front of you.  But those 10 people will all be emotionally compatible with you.  Statistically, 3 of them will likely have the physical appearance/chemistry that you want.  THOSE THREE are the needles in the haystack that you are looking for.  You can choose to date any of those three, and not find yourself having to make excuses for them, trying to change them, or hoping that you will be able to get over your aversion to their issues.  

START with the character issues, and the lifestyle issues.  And then move on to the looks.  Not the other way around. 

Realistically, we can’t do this.  Because we decide who to ask out by whether they attract us when we see them.  BUT, consider making one adjustment to the order in which you do things.  Ask out someone who is cute, maybe, but do not CONTINUE to date them until they meet some of your other requirements.  Don’t make excuses for someone whose treatment of their family offends you, whose treatment of waitresses embarrasses you, whose treatment of their ex worries you.  No matter how cute they are, if they treat these people in a way that you would not, if they treat these people in a way that you are uncomfortable, terminate the relationship.  It is not worth continuing.  Someone else will be good for you.  Someone else will be good for them. 

PAY ATTENTION to your picker!

And stay tuned for Fixing the picker Part II, History.  Part III, Money and things, and Part IV, Looks.