Dear Gretchen: My sister just got divorced after 20 years of what she claimed was a fairy tale marriage. She is pretty, smart, and she has a job that gives her high hourly pay and no shortage of job opportunities. She takes flack from no one, and unfortunately this causes problems with jobs, neighbors, friends. In short, she is a drama queen, and her husband spent the last 20 years soothing her nerves and rescuing her from problems she'd create. She takes on the problems of others as if they are her own, and then makes them sound as if the problems really are her own. For example, to hear her tell it, a distant cousin's cancer diagnosis affects her more than it affects anyone else in the family. After you live with it for a while, you realize that she's just seeks out opportunities to act dramatic.
Life with her is never boring. When she's up, her enthusiasm is childlike. I thought she might be bipolar, but she's more hysterical than depressed. She makes really bad choices and never takes the blame for the results. She quit her job & walked out on her husband and their teens. When the divorce didn't go her way, instead of looking for a place to live, a job, or time with the kids, she started imposing herself on our distant relatives, lying and getting sympathy from them, claiming to have been an abused, abandoned and unsupported. I made the mistake of saying she is exaggerating. Family members all over the country are angry at me. To hear them tell it, the lawyers were all against her, the judges were against her, the police failed to help (she never tells our family members that she never called police in the first place), her employer was unfair, her husband was abusive to her and the kids, the kids all turned against her, and now I am also part of the problem because I'm an insensitive jerk.
I tried to explain that the entire world is not against her, but that she made some really bad choices and is a drama queen, and they need to talk to people who know what really happened, before they make judgments. She needs tough love but they won't listen so I sat down and wrote a long letter. Now I wonder if this is a bad choice. Talk me out of it.
Answer: You know it's a bad choice and probably didn't need me to tell you that you have done all you can and now you have to back off. Even if she were not a drama queen, your sister is in a really difficult time of her life. The fact that you disagree with her choices is not something that matters right now. This is not the time for tough love. Tough love might become appropriate if her choice to impose herself on family members starts hurting those family members, but for now, she can't be helped and they don't need your help.
People will naturally come to her rescue because she's a pretty, smart, drama queen. People who do not know her history will think that life has knocked her down and that they can help by being supportive. You know that it's not true, but because you are currently her scapegoat, you are not credible about this issue. By continuing to be involved, you're creating more drama. I know how tempting it is when you're in the middle of it, but stop. find a way to disengage from the battle and let things cool off. Wait until someone who is on her side of things comes to you with questions. Until they ask, they are not ready to hear the answer.
You have to trust that they will see the illogic of her position if she doesn't have you as a red herring to distract them from her real story. If and when they start questioning her issues and come to you with questions about thier concerns, be very gentle about explaining it so that you don't appear to be attacking her again. This is your only choice.
Since you are the person who seems closest to this drama queen at the moment, you may be helped by reading about the extreme version of drama queens and how their families cope. I love the book Stop Walking on Eggshells to help with this, and recommend it frequently. Check it out.
In my opinion, a long letter explaining how wrong she is, in the current situation, will backfire. Put it aside.
Good luck.
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