Dating after divorce

Dear Gretchen:  I am ready to get back to the dating scene but afraid of making another mistake.  Do you have some quick tips to help me avoid mistakes?

Answer:  Quickly after becoming a divorce lawyer, my list of dating tips became anything but “quick”, but I’ll try.   There is an advantage to dating after divorce, and that’s that you and your dating partner are older now, you’ve got a few years worth of adulthood added to what you had the last time you were doing this, and both you and your potential romantic partners have track records in life.  An experienced adult is no longer just a kid full of possibilities and dreams and whose history includes one little mistake of shoplifting or having an ill-advised past relationship… as experienced adults, they’ve either proven to be hard workers or they’ve succumbed to addictions.  They’ve been job hoppers or business owners, and if they’re owner of a start up business, at least they have a record of whether or not they’ve been successful in previous ventures.  They may have 3 failed marriages or one long term relationship that failed without drama.  Look for someone’s track record to show you whether or not they’re going to be compatible with you.  On to the specifics:

First:  Figure out what caused your divorce in the first place.  Did you pick someone who was not compatible or were you not ready for a relationship at the time you started the last one?  Are you picking jerks or spendthrifts or job hoppers?  Is the thing that excites you (power or enthusiasm, for example), correlated with something that will be a deal breaker for a long term relationship (sometimes a person who is abusive seems powerful at first… and sometimes enthusiasm is a symptom of manic-depressive disorder).  If you can dissect what caused the previous relationship to fail, and be honest with yourself about the part you played in the failure of the relationship, then you have a better chance at making the next one work.

Second:  Think through what you want in a mate.  Have a short list of absolutes and deal breakers and a long list of “it would be nice if”s.  Do a little soul searching here.  Look at the list and check… are you being superficial?  Are you paying attention to character and long-term traits, or are you looking for things that will disappear as you mature?  Try to make your absolute “must-haves” list to have more important characteristics than superficial issues.  Include things about education, financial choice making, family making goals.   Invariably, if a person who wants a “generous” mate marries someone who wants a “financially responsible” mate, they’ll end up with trouble.  The one who seeks generosity will seem like a spendthrift to the financially responsible one.  The one who wants a financially responsible mate will seem like a stingy miser to the generous one.  It rarely works.  Don’t look for someone whose characteristics solve your problems, but look for someone whose characteristics are compatible with yours.

Third:  Clean house.  Literally and figuratively.  Prepare your home and your presence for a visitor who might be your next mate.  Do you want them seeing how you live in the midst of your initial post-divorce slump?  If Mr. Right were at the grocery store this weekend when you are shopping, will he be interested or is your manner saying “stay away”, with the ugly “laundry day” clothes and no make-up?  Become the person you envision your future mate falling in love with, or get a start on the process of becoming that person.

Fourth:  Don’t reject people for not being right for you.  Look at it as an opportunity to practice flirting.  Let them know that you’re not interested in taking it further, because leading someone on is bad karma, it is a wrong approach to take with others and you never want anyone to take it with you… but if they’re willing to hang out and talk and flirt and keep each other company, this is your opportunity to practice.

Fifth:  Once you have a candidate, look at how they treat their parents, because that is how they’ll treat you when you’re old or sick.  Pay attention to how they treat waitresses, because that’s how they’ll treat you when you’re waiting on them.  And pay attention to how they’ll treat their exes, because that’s how they’ll treat you when they’re angry at you.  Choose someone who treats people well even when they don’t need to impress the person.  It’s not enough that they treat girlfriends and friends and bosses and co-workers well.  If they treat people well when they don’t have to do so, they’re a good bet.

And finally, Sixth:  Anything that’s important to you, check it out.  If you have talked about retirement plans, look at the most recent IRA and 401K statements for each other.  If they say the ex was abusive and the truthfulness of this statement is important to you, get proof.  Before you take the next step and make a commitment, you should have met their family and friends, you should have seen their house and seen them at work.  You should have spent time in each other’s homes.  Your friends should like them and their friends should like you.  Failure to do this means something missing in your understanding of each other.