Kids lie

So many people will protest loudly at the claim that kids lie.  Anyone who uses children as a witness in a case HOPES that the children know better than to lie under oath, but the truth is that at a certain age, children can't even tell the difference between truth and a lie.  To them, ghosts and fairys and "the borrowers" really do exist.  At an older age, they have often been taught what the proper answer is to many questions, and they will supply whatever answer does not get them into trouble.  If a divorced mother is angry at the kid's father, the children know very well that it will make her happy if they say things that is bad about him.  He is mean, he doesn't let them do stuff.  Or maybe the kids will try to be the peacemaker, saying he's really NICE, that he's not so bad, he lets them eat candy and stuff (innocently unaware that the issue of eating candy and not eating nutritiously at each other's house has been a main issue in the custody battle).

If kids are angry at someone, they will say things that will get that person into trouble, and if they are happy with that person, they will say things that will get the person OUT of trouble.  If they want something, they will say things designed to get that thing for them, and if they don't want something, they will make up things that they hope will prevent them from having that something.  "I'm allergic", becomes the refrain told to the lunch lady, babysitters, and camp counselors.  I've heard "I'm allergic" as an excuse not to eat oatmeal, not to drink milk, not to eat fruit, or any kind of meat that the child did not like.  A recent set of foster kids had me totally convinced that they were "lactose intolerant" (advanced little brains using a much more sophisticated form of "I'm allergic"), so that they could turn down milk, only to go bananas over ice cream, butter, and cheese when the opportunity arose.  My explanation that those things include lactose did not faze them... "MOMMY lets me eat that!", is their way of proving that I'm wrong.  Even scientific proof garnered from that perfect source of all truth (the computer), could not convince them to drink milk or let me sneak it into their cereal or any other normal option... no, their allergy was ONLY negated if the milk came in a high fat, high sugar option.

I have even known parents to TEACH their kids how to lie, thinking that it was for a better purpose... a mother, wanting to win the custody battle, was seen sitting in the lobby of the counselor's office (the counselor who would report to the judge), coaching the kids... "if she asks ..., you can say..." VERY carefully parsing the words so that the kids could tell the "truth" (Mom's version), without saying something they KNEW to be a lie under oath... and insisting that the intention to mislead while still telling the truth was OK, because if they went to Dad's house, they'd not be allowed to see their friends (he lived a few miles away from their Mom's neighborhood), drive their car (SHE bought it for them and would not allow them to keep it at Dad's house), participate in their sports (Dad was upset about their grades and had suggested curtailing the extracurriculars until their grades had come back up), OR go on vacation (a vacation she had planned in secret because it was against the court order regarding parenting time, her intention had been to keep the kids away from Dad so she planned the vacation specifically to keep them out of state at the time Dad was supposed to spend time with them).  So they intentionally mislead the counselor, each separately telling her that, contrary to Mom's claim, they DID love their Dad and they did NOT fear him, but magically, each of them had only a few hours a week to see Dad... between Sunday morning at church (which Mom rarely attended), and Sunday evening's youth group, if they weren't booked for an afternoon with friends or Mom's family, they could envision letting Dad spend a few hours with them.  Understand, these lies are coming from OLDER kids, who were WELL OVER the idea that fairies were real.  They were young and idealistic enough that they did not WANT to do the wrong thing, but when their mother explained all the reasons they would want to lie, they did NOT naturally revert to the truth.  Faced with the possibility that they could get what they wanted, and not get caught, by lying.  They lied. 

The Mom who taught her kids to hide things from their Dad and to lie about things so she could win the custody battle, is now reaping the rewards of her choice, and now that the children are adults, they are lying to her as well.  But that is all I'll say about that situation for now, because this is not about the evils of using your children as weapons against your co-parent, but rather about how easily children lie, how they are not born with an innate knowledge of truth, nor are they born with an innate desire to tell ONLY truth.

The knowledge of what is truth, and the desire to tell it, only come with training.  We teach children about how the world works by lying to them... we teach them to "be good" by telling them about Santa Claus, we get them not to cry over losing a tooth by lying to them about the tooth fairy.  We tell fairy tales that have morals we want them to learn.  And if they ask us the tough questions about whether our family is financially secure, whether we are cheating on each other, hiding things from each other, or splitting up... if the truth is inconvenient, we lie.  On the other end, we spend a lot of time telling them that strangers are dangerous, and then we're surprised when they meet ONE stranger who proves to NOT be dangerous, and they decide we don't know what we're saying when we preach about stranger danger, so they stop being careful around OTHER strangers.

Worse then telling them an altered version of the truth to teach them a lesson, we reinforce the lies they tell.  If a cookie is missing from the cookie jar and crumbs all over their mouths, we ask, "where did it go", and when they say "I don't know" or "(name the invisible friend) took it"... we play along and try to convince them to come clean by proving it to them by logic.  Or, BONUS, we laugh at the absurdity of the story.  In doing so, we confirm for them that the lie worked, and even that it was cute and funny.  That telling the lie made us love them more at the same time as keeping them out of trouble!    If we ask, "did YOU do it"?  (for just about ANY infraction of rules), and they say "no", we are thrown into a posture of having to play detective and prosecutor with them, convince them that their lies are not plausible.  We give them the power of having fooled us so now they have made us WORK at it, and they are sure that we can never be completely sure of our conclusions, because they are pretty sure the lie worked.  There is no down side to the kid for lying like this.

Think of it.  "Did you take the cookie?" has two possible answers.  "Yes", guarantees punishment.  "No", evades punishment for at least a short time, and forces Mom to find evidence that will convince us that she knows we're lying.  And to a 3 year old, saying it louder and longer sometimes just MAKES it true.  We all know adults who never learned otherwise... those people who are so sure that if they say it, it is true, despite all evidence to the contrary, or who believe that it doesn't matter what anyone else says, if they say it louder and longer, we'll believe, or at least we'll submit to their demands.

So what is the solution?  There is no requirement that we STOP telling fairy tales or change the Santa story.  No... but we must address each situation of the children finding out the truth, as it arises, confirming for them that there is a different between fairy tales and truth, and the fairy tales are often based upon truth or teach very valuable lessons.  But when we catch them red-handed in the cookie jar, we need not engage in any  little games where they get to play "innocent until proven guilty" and turn us into a detective and prosecutor.  Particularly when they are not old enough to understand logical reasoning!  NO.  When we catch them with a hand in the cookie jar, it's perfectly OK if they think we have eyes in the back of our heads... They were SURE we were turned around or out of the room, but we KNOW that they just stole a cookie.  At the time of life when they can't possibly understand logical reasoning, it's perfectly OK if we are part of that magical world in their heads where some things... fairys, Santa, and Mom & Dad, KNOW EVERYTHING.  We don't ASK, because we KNOW.  So we do not ask, we TELL them.  Johnny, you just took a cookie.  You know how you're not supposed to get into the cookie jar when Mom is not here?  Well, because you took a cookie now, you go into time out.  3 minutes.  And then you don't get a cookie later because you already had it now.  OK?  And we do NOT let them wheedle, whine, and try to convince us that we're wrong.

Of course this doesn't work if we are not sure.  Being unsure and falsely accusing the kid is a sure-fire way to OTHER bad things.  However... sometimes we have to decide whether it's more important to make sure the kid does not get the feeling that lying can get them off the hook for stuff, or ... well, whatever other bad thing we're facing... punishing them for a cookie that we're not sure whether they ate it or not.  Teaching them to save snacks till Mom says it's snack time, or whatever other lesson... which is more important... explaining snack time to a kid who can barely pronounce the word "snack", or teaching the child that lying does not work?

If you have gotten past this age and are confronted with a child who seems entrenched in a lying behavior, you may have some very difficult choices.  Consult a therapist for help with this.   With one of my foster children, I have to say that the therapist and I worked out a very important intervention for lying... we needed to even praise the child for telling the truth EVEN WHEN the truth was, "yes, I hit my little brother".  The bottom line is that we were never going to get that statement out of her without a lot of work, so giving her the opportunity to lie about it by asking the question was not going to happen.  We needed to work on telling the truth in LITTLE issues, like whether her homework was done or whether she spilled her orange juice, having a little party even, (making a big deal out of the occasion, not a whole PARTY with cupcakes & stuff!)... to celebrate her successes in telling the truth.  Something like this needs to be done very carefully.

And the sooner, the better.  You REALLY do not want to wait till the kids are away at college before you address the issue... because they'll be lying to you about the BIG things... drinking, drugging, roommates, romances, health, tuition, other finances, grades, and future plans... that can become a BIG expense (bail, bailing out credit, dropping out of college, raising grandbabies, etc).  At some level, if your child has learned that lying is easier than the truth, you'll be lucky if your kid gets through adulthood without missing a holiday season visit with you because of a prison term!

Kids DO lie.  And if we cannot acknowledge it, we cannot address it.  And if we DO try to address it, we need to do so in a way that they can learn how to tell the truth.  If we do not, we will regret it.